March 1, 2015
So, it hit me really hard today that time is going by so fast that I can't keep up. I said I'd update and explain how my pregnancy went, but MY LITTLE MAN IS OVER 10 WEEKS!? Where did the time go?We have enjoyed every day that we have spent with him...but I want more. I want to have the time back to take those cute little pictures with the onesies that say their age, I want the pregnancy pics every month to see the growth and magic of growing this precious bot, I want the beautiful black and white post delivery pics, I want all of the little things that I see other women have done.
Why didn't we take the time to do these things? We were working on our degrees while I was pregnant, we were trying to get through the days after he was born but were too exhausted, and now Tim is working and going to school and I am trying to work a couple shifts so we have the money we need to get by. This is our reality, I want to do so many things so that I can remember every little moment, but it's out of fear. I fear that the day will come many many years from now that I might not be able to remember my firstborn. I may not remember the little wrinkles he gets around his mouth after breastfeeding, I may not remember the way he looks while Tim and I are laying on either side of him, I may not remember the coy smiles he does in his sleep, or the look in his eyes as he follows my movements around the room. So, I take pictures of every cute little thing when I can.
But these pictures aren't enough for me, I want more. I want more days, more energy, more time, more snuggles, more baths, more smiles...but the reality is, we don't get more. We have to just hold onto the time that we are given and that to me is why everyday is so Important. Yea we may not have gotten to do the cute little things other parents have...but these things aren't really what's important.
It doesn't matter what we as parents remember, and I see that now...what matters is what he remembers. If we can give him a memorable life that he knows is safe and always felt loved in, then that is what truly matters. So far I think we are giving him that. This little man is so loved and that can never be undone, never be taken away, never be forgotten. I will always love him and his daddy.
I will always love his daddy because his daddy has given me so much. His daddy has sacrificed not getting to see him so that I can stay home with him and build an database of memories. He has sacrificed hours of sleep even though he has to get up and go to work/school, just to take him from me for a few minutes so I can gather my sanity and make my coffee. He's given me a life that though is not perfect to the outside eye, is perfect in ours. The only thing that could make this life better would be some magical money bank, so that Tim can enjoy the time with our little man.
