July 2, 2024
The finest steel has to go through the hottest fire.- Richard Nixon
Well, that quote cannot be more true about life in general and hell, steel itself. We have not had an easy week. We lost my family home of 32 years on June 21, 2024. It was not an easy day nor has it been an easy time since.
Well, October 1st 2025 is here again.
I got on here because my mind was spiraling, and I needed to get so many things out of it. I was going to just write it all, but I type faster and by mind needs faster. So I am going to just blah it all out as it comes to me...so maybe I can start this beautiful month off well. Full disclosure---this is literally a mind dump, no nuggets of knowledge, no bigger meanings, and it is just a spiral of chaos in my brain.
Family:
My family is something that will always be my strength and my weakness. I hold onto so many things and so many people that sometimes it is hard to just stop and be me. I couldn't sleep last night, due to all the things circling through my head. I have to say though, my family wasn't circling for worries or frustrations...it was circling around because I am so darn grateful for them. My sweet boys drive me up the wall at times, but they are good humans. They are kind and show it through random acts. They are loving and show it through hugs, kisses, cuddles, and handshakes. They are strong and confident, they went on rollercoasters this weekend at Holiday World and fought through all the fears. They also have fought some sickness lately and brave through it like champs. My husband is one in a million, he planned a day trip---that I was hesitant about. I wanted to just stay home, but man am I glad that we went. He was right that they would have a good time, and it was great letting him lead this adventure and let go of control.
Friends:
I wanted to start off by saying I am a bad friend, but hell I take that back. I am a great friend but one who feels like I am always the one to seak out others. I rarely feel chosen or cared for at the same extent that I put in effort...I know that is not a fair statement but that is how my heart feels. It feels hurt that I am not someone's first call to hangout, That a random text or call to check in doesn't happen unless I'm making it. Some of the people who have checked in though are not who I would have ever expected, and I am grateful for them. They reached out to make sure I was okay...they listened and did not judge. I know that life is busy and that we all have our own things going on, but am I wrong to feel like sometimes I shouldn't have to be the one to hold our friendships together? I love my friends so very much and I am grateful for each one. I'm grateful for the reason, season, and lifetime friends. I'm grateful for time apart and time together. I just wish sometime the apart wasn't for so long. Everyone has their own lives, their own heavy stuff, their own fears, worried, and concerns...and that is why we all struggle with being able to be there for others....hell we are all just trying to stay above water sometimes and I know that shouldn't be an excuse to let friendships stray---but it seems to be what we all do automatically---when in reality, we should be leaning into those friends. We should be making the calls, saving dates and times regular...because we truly do need them to make life livable instead of bearable. We seem to let the things go that would bring us the most peace during times of chaos---why is that? Why is it that we use that excuse of 'too busy' with the people that we need the most? If we would just make the time, then we would truly be able to live life with eachother than just 'get through it' without eachother.
Man is coffee delicious. I just got up to get a cup and that 1st sip just hits perfectly.
Work:
Work is somewhere I have felt I am struggling. I feel like all of September that I was just, there. Like I wasn't making a difference. I felt like I was just going through the motions yet accomplishing nothing. I know none of that is true and that I am valued...but I struggle with purpose in this role. I feel like at times I am just filling the spot and not truly making an impact and do others feel that way? Do others question why this role even exists...am I doing everything possible to guide and support? I just don't know...September was really difficult and I hope that October isn't. I have many coaching cycles going, which is where I focused my August and September...but that meant I wasn't in classes a lot...which is where I would love to be more. I need to figure out the best way to manage my schedule so that I can actually visit classes more and give appropriate feedback. I know that I have been in my office way more the past couple of weeks then I like...so that is my goal for October----get out of my room and go into classes and give feedback. Short and to the point feedback where it is something they can implement quickly. I had concerns last year about doing that, but I think that I have built relationships enough to be honest and supportive. I need to come out of worries and focus on my strengths...and one of those strengths is that I am an experienced educator with solid instructional strategies. I just need to maintain my schedule and try to balance ALL the plates that we have to carry in our building, because being in a small county means that we don't have enough positions for the people and the coaches are more than just instructional coaches...we have to be Math coaches, English coaches, Science coaches, Support staff, therapists, problem solvers, school data pulers and organizers, admin coaches, and so many more things that it really makes us feel inadequate at times because we have to wear so many hats that we feel like we can't wear any one of them confidently and proudly. We always feel like we have let some one down, dropped the ball on a task, didn't do enough.
It's the Harvest Moon today, and it is a Supermoon. I knew that my mind was overwhelmed, and that makes sense because this Moon is in Aries and I'm an Aries. Here is what a quick Google search explains about the Aries Super Harvest Moon.
January 7th, 2025
Gosh, I love my kids more than anything in this world. I never knew how all encompassing being a parent can be. I had a conversation today that led to discussing travel and decisions that we make. They mentioned that their view changed when they had kids...and I immediately thought that they meant that because they get more worried about the actual kids.
When I listened more to what they were saying, I realized they meant that they are more aware of how they act and what they do on trips without their kids because they want to make sure they will always be there for their kids.
October 1, 2024
We have entered Fall and October is ALWAYS my sign that things are ready to change. It is my external sign that allows me to know we are into the last leg of the year. THIS is my favorite time of year because it reminds me that letting go and change can be so beautiful and healing. This is the time of year that my soul heals from everything it has endured.
I know that it is not that way for everyone, but man do I appreciate it. I was talking to a couple of friends yesterday, who are going through a hard time, and I made a couple of comments/analogies that just hit me in the feels so I wanted to make sure to save them for whenever my busy self has time to actually write this book I plan to write...if for no other reason then to help myself heal.
Falling Apart and Fall:
We are not meant to be perfect. We are meant to mess up, fall down, and get back up. Nothing in this life has it easy. Every single living organism on this Earth struggles to survive. It is a major part of natural law. Nothing in this life is easy and sometimes the most beautiful things/people come from the hardest most difficult situations. Hell, think about flowers, we quite literally throw shit on them and they grow through the darkness, pressure, and shit into these beautiful things that we then admire. I have survived, learned, and grown from some awful situations throughout these 34 years of life and when I look back and really list them, I have to be like DAMN---I made it through that? So surely I can make it through This?
Things that happened for me (not to me, because each of these good/bad and ugly moments created me), that have made me into the beautiful broken soul I am today include: family trauma and struggles, house fires, rape, helping my sissy care for her beautiful newborn through my last years of high school, being a caretaker from a young age for my beautiful Bubba who had diabetes, Downs Syndrome, and then watching Alzheimer's change him completely, abusive (Physical and emotional) relationships, excessive drinking and destructive decisions, postpartum depression, fostering a child who was abused and helping her heal wounds she should have never endured, sick and hospitalized kids, IVF and surrogacy, self harm, helping friends find help with eating disorders and self harm, being there for friends/students with suicidal intentions, depression (constant battle), 9/11/01, flood May 2010, Covid and teaching 2020, births of 3 children, miscarriages of 3, arguments, frustrations, deaths of loved ones, deaths of pets, joys of parenting, fears and worries of parenting, grieved friendships, celebrated new ones, moved houses, vacationed/traveled so many places, sicknesses, hikes, 5Ks, weight gain and weight loss, graduations of myself, Tim, nieces and nephews, and career changes. There are many more, but those are just a few things in this short 34 swirls around the sun that I could think of off the top of my head that helped to shape me.
Anyway, like I said above, each of those things has shaped me into the human that I am today, and I believe I and a great human. I have no regrets or resentments. have forgiven for myself.
I have Flaws and Failures but also Wins and Wonders. This life is not easy for anyone, and we each have our own stories to tell...but don't let your story stop, keep moving forward. Keep being strong, ask for help, seek love and understanding, forgive, and fall from the ties of anger, frustrations, and fears.
January 4, 2025 1:30 am...this post has stayed unpublished for several months because I was fearful, but now I release that too.
March 8, 2024
Wow, this morning was already a whirl-wind and a slap in the face to the realization that sometimes our expectations of reality and reality itself are never going to be the same.
My Expectation for the morning:
Rex asked if we could do a family breakfast before school. Usually Mom and dad don't eat breakfast, and the boys eat cereal or a bar or something easy. So I had planned to go workout then rush home and make breakfast. Have Pancakes, waffles, eggs, and bacon all ready for us to eat together and enjoy some time as a family before school started as requested by the littles.
The Reality:
I went to work out and got home just in time to start making breakfast. Went to wake E up and he asked for more time, so I gave him until 6. He woke up and threw a HUGE fit for 20min because I told him he couldn't wear any costume to school, it was superhero themed day and if he wanted to wear a costume then it had to be a superhero. He disagreed and argued. I lost my cool, Tim lost his cool, none of us were happy and we were all yelling and upset while I was still cooking breakfast.
At the moment I said these words to E, I realized that I was making things worse "Way to ruin the entire morning E, now none of us are are going to have a good morning". I wish the words didn't come out and I later apologized but man was I upset, felt unseen and under appreciated. In my head this is what was going on... Here I was rushing to make a breakfast and meet expectations I had set for the morning and here he was throwing a fit over something dumb and man he should just be glad he has clothes to wear because so many kids don't.
Gosh, looking back I know I made things worse, and so did the hubby he was also escalated and not speaking reasonably. It was not until I stopped and took a minute to sit and talk to him, on his level, and truly listen to him that he calmed down. Threats, yelling, spankings, etc. do not work when a kid is so escalated and their nervous system is deregulated, that they can not reason. So we went and sat for a few minutes and truly talked and breathed with him and we came to the conclusion of wearing a Green Lantern shirt, washing the tears off, and taking some breaths to go sit down and enjoy breakfast as a family before daddy had to leave.
Now I haven't even hit what happened with Rex, he ended up dropping an entire waffle on his lap and threw a huge fit. Screamed, hit the plate, said "I HATE this PLATE", and started crying. Tim and I both told him to "Stop the attitude and crying and just go change, that it's not a big deal" Well hell, to him it was a big deal to him and as parents if we just had taken a minute to validate his feelings, the fit would have been avoided all together. We are constantly learning how to parent and none of it is easy. We struggle daily to calm our own demons and expectations, and will keep working. But I think recognizing these triggers for us, as parents, is the way that we break the cycles.
September 2023
The Month that flew by faster than light.
One day this month, I was going to check on the boys in the bathtub and I found big globs of hair in the tub. Both boys said " I don't know what happened"...then I found the razor. They had taken my cheap-o dollar store raiser and SHAVED each others hair.
E said he shaved parts of his legs and Rs and they both admitted to shaving each others hairs on their head! Lesson Learned: Don't leave your razor in the tub. They WILL find a way to play with anything you leave around.
PS. I am so grateful they did not cut themselves or each other, or man, would this story have been less entertaining.
Originally written 12/8/2022
There is no other way to explain today, other than Whirl-Wind- a column of air moving rapidly around and around in a cylindrical or funnel shape. The last full moon of 2022 sure did know how to turn our world upside-down.
At roughly 7am this morning, my principal shared an email that we had a student who entered foster care and needed a temporary placement. Tim and I have been talking about it many times this year, for different reasons, and this this just felt like another thing pushing us to make the change and accept what we always knew would happen in the future (just happened 2+ years sooner than we expected. I sent a screen-shot of the email to Tim and he basically said yes, without any extra details or information. Gosh, I love this man with my whole heart and soul. If there was ever a question whether soul-mates exist...I believe we are the perfect example that they do. Anyway, once I got to school, I immediately went to our counselor and shared the news that we would take the student. At that time, I was not sure of who it was or anything...then we discussed who and she sent my information to the DCS caseworker.
Our lives changed forever after those moments.
We got calls, I got on meetings with DCS, CPS, Case-workers, Guardian etc. We got background information on this poor girl. Short story- possible sex trafficking, assault, product of rape, attempted suicide, and so much more trauma. However, I am choosing to see the beauty behind this soul who was forced to grow up too quick- she loves the color blue, she has a huge heart for her siblings (2 older brothers and a younger sister), she wants to help always, and she is just a 12 year old girl who has never been able to just be a kid. So our hope is that we have the ability to give her that and that the push back is not too much.
Currently, there is a stay-away order with all family and she really has not been told the extent of it. So we will have that to unpack as we go.
We thought that she would be coming to stay with us on Monday or this Weekend, but the DCS caseworker brought her today, so we had no time to get her room in order or get the rest of the house "safe" to the fullest extent. So I pray and a beg the universe to let her just rest tonight, let her push out the worries and fears, let her close her eyes and feel comfortable enough to sleep. Please do not let thought of leaving this home or this earth enter her brain tonight or any other night/day.
Back to the timeline of events- by 9 I had talked to social worker, given all of our contact info and info for background checks, and been in a meeting about her care. At 11, I left everything at school ( I hadn't even unpacked my lunchbox yet) and had to drive home for our home check to see if we had a 'fit' home. We have a few things that need to be changed- locks on cabinets/fridge and medicines put away...but over-all, We sat at our table the next 3 hours and filled out paperwork and finished everything we needed to and before 2pm, this sweet girl was in our home. We immediately started letting her unpack and see what we needed to get from the store. We started tearing apart the workout room/office and transforming it into a bedroom for her. Took all of the things off the walls and put up things that she wanted. She kept the sports and put up some watercolors I had painted. We left to go get E at about 230 and to go shopping a little.
Side note for boys- Gosh I am so proud of them. Rexton had much more warning as he was home with Tim and here when she arrived at the house. Tim got to talk to him and communicate with him about it all, poor E had to find out when we picked him up from school, SO CONFUSED. We explained that she is going to join our family for a bit and that she just needed a safe warm home with love in it to stay, so that's what we are doing. When we did our daily emotions tonight, I shed a few tears because usually we do " happy, sad, angry, frustrated, and super happy" but they both asked to add "confused" to the list tonight and said they were confused about all of the things and the why. I am so blessed but also worried about them and I just hope that we didn't do anything to hurt them in the long run and that they see that we just have the Love to give, so why not give it to someone who needs it.
Okay, back to timeline- We picked up Everett and then headed to target, We grabbed a Starbucks and then shopped. She picked out some new sheets, pillows, art supplies, nike tennis shoes, snacks, art supplies, and a little wall decoration (a LV basketball picture) Blue is her favorite color and she likes spicy chips. Overall, it was about 265 dollars that we spent today in hopes to have her feel more comfortable.
We then went to eat at the local Mexican restaurant and she laughed and talked. Our neighbor who previously helped me to clean up the room by taking our weight set to his house came and ate with us. He also brough over some hangers because I forgot to buy those when we were out. We have had many reach out to see what we need help with an honestly, I can't answer, because I do not know.
I sit here at midnight, waiting and hoping to hear her just go to sleep---but as I type that, how dumb am I...you can't hear someone go to sleep. ha. well I think that is the stress and anxiety talking now, so I will try my best to turn over and rest. Tomorrow is a new day with it's own set of challenges. We will get through this, she will be safe and loved (God/Gods/Mother Earth, PLEASE LET her feel safe and loved. Please don't tempt her with leaving or harming herself. She has so much to look forward to in this life and our hope is she is on a positive swing.
With a hopeful and grateful heart,
Goodnight
