A World in Pain

May 29, 2020

Our world is hurting. 

Pandemic. 
Injustice.
Hate.
Violence. 
Environmental concerns.
Starvation.
to name a few.

Today, I sit and write, not for anyone but myself. I have no idea how to even start what I want to say...but I figure, the first step was to open my computer with a cup of coffee and just write. So stay with me or don't...but here it goes. 

Our world is hurting. Our families and friends are fighting. Our protectors and citizens are broken and fearful. Our hearts are stuck in shame, fear, and generalizations.  

So, after weeks of seeing various statements, comments, posts, etc. I need to address something. I need to own that what I have is a privilege and I need my boys to understand that there are people in this world who had NO CHOICE to the life they were brought into. 
(This is where some people will leave, but I hope you don't...just stay with me)

Let's Start with the definition of a word: 

Privilege: a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group.

Acknowledging  privilege does not mean your life was easy. It does not mean that you did not fight  and work hard for the life you have. It does not mean that you think of yourself as superior...it does however give insight into the lives of others and the things in your life that you had to aide you in your survival and growth as a human, that others may not have had. 

I have privileges that others do not. And if you are reading this, You do too. 

I do not apologize for them or want others to apologize, but it is important to recognize and own the things in our life that are a privileges and acknowledge and respect that there are those who DO NOT get or have these privileges. It is our jobs as parents, and hell, human beings to 'love thy neighbor' and to teach our kids to appreciate their privileges and lead them to understanding there are others who do not have these privileges. That they need to work to make all lives better by using and understanding their own privileges. They need to fight when they see something unjust. They need to love all and be kind, even when it is hard. They need to stick up for those that can't do it for themselves. They need to respect, appreciate, and fight for ALL life. The only way that anything will change in this world is if we all DO THE HARD WORK to acknowledge these things about ourselves and our world. Only once we acknowledge these things, can we work on the world outside of our self. 

So today, I choose to work on self and identify my privilege and then, I can work on the pain of others not given these privileges. 

My kids and I had the privilege of being born into a family (more on that in a min) in a country (with flaws) that has a life expectancy of 75, one of the lowest multidimensional poverty rates in the world, and has an education expectation average of 16 years...instead of being born in Niger, for example, where the poverty rate is over 90% and educational expectations are 6 years. (http://hdr.undp.org/en/countries).

I did not choose to be born here nor did those in other countries choose their birth places. It is a privilege that I and my sons have--and I ache for those who fight for this privilege and are met with hate and fear. Where boarders are filled with pain, death, and tears. Families are torn apart, ridiculed, and felt unworthy by others who hide behind their 'rights'---again...It was not my right to be born here, nor was it my children's...it is a privilege that I have to own and understand. Because, until I do, and until others do, we will continue to fill the world with pain. We Don't Choose Where we are born---so how can we continue to treat others in inhumane ways, simply because they were not given the privileges that we were from birth.

My kids were born into a VERY large and loving family. They are males, have 2 white parents, 1 male 1 female. I do not have fears of them being bullied or persecuted for their sex, color of their skin or their parent's choices of who they loved. This is privilege. I had the privilege of being brought up in a semi-more diverse community. I had friends of all ethnicity, I went to a school with diversity and cultural celebrations from various countries. I also went to a school where guns and gangs were a norm. Where my boyfriend sold guns to various gang members. Where my body was grabbed in ways it shouldn't and where I had to make friend connections to feel secure at times, but I was still very privileged, because I got to go home to a safe and loving home each night. 

My kids do not have a school or community to get these experiences, which is a positive and a negative...so I have to work harder to teach them about different cultures, ethnicity, and explain POC to my very white children. My niece is also being raised in this same community. She is darker skinned with beautiful Native American blood and skin, dark hair and eyes, she has had to endure hateful and racist comments from peers and her community. My surrobaby is Asian and has a whole world of expectations and prejudice upon him after this pandemic due to trauma, miseducation, and fear of others. My boys do not have to feel that pain- solely due to the color of their skin. That is privilege. 

My children are white males. This countries own constitution was written by white males---and in its originating state was built for them, not ALL people. It wasn't until others, spoke up of injustice and hate that it was amended for women and persons of color. So, them being born white and male, is a privilege. One that automatically provides them with advantages and rights that others had to fight and are still fighting for throughout this country and world. It is my job to explain this to them and to teach and guide them through the continuous battles of women and POC in every environment.

It is a privilege for them to be male, because I know what it is like to be a female in this world. The difficulties surrounding the female population are ridiculous at times: Your ideas are not always seen as intelligent, but instead emotional. Your body is for other people's enjoyment, not your own. You must look a certain way to be 'beautiful'. If you cry you are weak. You are mothering 'wrong'. You express doubts and fears and you're just another whining female. You show too much boob or leg, you're a whore or asking for it. You have too many layers, you're a prude. It goes on and on and on. Now add to that if you were a POC and a female...again. I see my privilege and I know my sons are privileged, simply for their sex and skin color. I will have to work harder to teach them to respect boundaries, to love all human bodies and embrace differences...because there is a world out there the does not appreciate or respect women or person's of color as much as they do white men.

My children did not choose their parents, they have the privilege to grow up with two cisgender parents of opposing sex with the same ethnicity and no addiction or abuse. That is a privilege. My kids will not be picked on for their parents loving each other or raising them together. As a teacher, I have witnessed (and yes intervened) rude and disrespectful comments from one classmate to another based on the child's parents/lifestyle. I have heard students be made fun of because their parents are "lesbos" or "druggies" or even one of the worst comments "I see why your mom doesn't love you". Kid's DO NOT, just make these behaviors up out of nowhere...these words, actions, and thoughts are learned behaviors.

Somewhere, whether through their families, community, tv shows, or media...these kids have learned to hate, judge and ridicule---mostly in part because of fear and predispositions of "normal" or set belief systems that don't accept others. We can do better, but only once we face our own demons, beliefs, and morals and choose better. You can't tell a kid that the color of someone's skin doesn't matter...than turn around and say racial comments about people in front of them. Lead and Live by example...You can't tell your child that all ____ are the same and they all are ____. Generalizing a society based on a few is toxic and the origin of hate, distrust, and prejudice.

My boys are being raised in a house and home. They have kind neighbors. They have woods and fun things to play with, not gunshots, graffiti, and gangs. They did not choose this, it is the privilege that we have bestowed upon them. Did/do we work hard as parents to give them such things, yes, does that make it any less of a privilege, no. Was my father working his tail off when I grew up to provide me with basically anything I wanted or needed, yes. Was it my right? No. It was a privilege. It was an advantage that I was given by those who raised me.

I did not understand nor appreciate it then, as I do now. As I look back on some of my friends and the struggles they were going through, many of my friends had horrible home lives, abuse, neglect, drug addiction, fear of being 'home', and so much hate on a daily basis. I see that now, as they open up and communicate more as adults. My friends did not have a choice of their upbringing. I did not have a choice, I was provided for and protected from a very harsh world. I witnessed injustices and I saw them first hand in school, but I know I did not stand up for or fight for those who needed me, and it is my job to teach my children of the errors and fears that held me back. So that THEY can do better than I did. So that they can love, protects, and stand up for ALL people, as I know I was not able to then. 

My children are being provided an education because their parents value it and their country requires. This is a privilege that many people around the world do not have. They live and go to school in a predominantly white community, that unfortunately is ignorant and unkind to POC at times, due to their own learned behaviors from various sources and their own family prejudices. So, do I agree with everything that is taught to them or how things are taught in our schools, no. Heck, as a teacher, I have a lot of issues surrounding the systems that we endure. However, we have made it a 'right' to these kids in our country to have an education. Now...stop for a minute and let's compare school systems/schools. Our small rural school system has it's own issues and concerns but they are nothing compared to the inner city schools in say Detroit or the Bronx. These kids are dealt a deck of cards that many of us have never had to pick up or witness. Our school systems, people, and communities are broken and hurting, because they continue to feel less than and unworthy in a world that idolizes some, generalizes all, and ignores the few.  

My boys will never have to feel hunger or pains of neglect from their parents. That is a Privilege. We feed our kids first in this family, then elders, then ourselves...it is our main goal to take care of those who need it most. NOT ALL children or adults were raised with that perspective, AND IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT. There are kids and people ALL around this world who do not eat food or drink clean water, solely because of the area that they were born...is that their fault? No. Could I stay behind my privilege and say, well it's not here, so I don't need to worry about it, yes. 

But if this Pandemic has taught me anything, it is here, it is all around us. It could be your friend, your neighbor, your church friends. I have students who do not eat daily. Students who's parents would rather sell and buy drugs than put food on the table or even make sure their kids have clean clothes. We do have resources and community out reaches set in place to help these kids, but the fact alone that they have to endure this pain and struggle is something that will create shame and insecurity within them, and that is not their fault. This is in small town USA, just imagine rural Africa.

So, do I condone stealing, looting, and rioting...hell no. Do I understand that these people young or old resorting to such decrees may have some strong feelings going on and have NEVER been taught or even witnessed anything more than hate and violence in their lives, yes. Do I fear and have anger that they are doing these things and causing more harm, absolutely.  Do a fear for my police friends of all ethnicities and hope and wish that they don't get sent into theses zones, yes. My heart aches for the kids and families of loved ones sending their spouses to work and not knowing if they will be coming home...but this fear is also, the same fear that my poc friends have expressed about just running through their neighborhoods, getting pulled over, and sending their kids to school. 

Do I wish for a world that everyone was fed, loved, hugged, and taught how to deal with difficult emotions and wrong doing, yes...is that our reality? No. Can we learn, grow and begin to educate more on social emotional feelings, yes...so why aren't we? Because we are stuck in arguments of generalization of who's lives are more important than others. 

We stand behind our own shame triggers, because it's easier for us to share an image of "wrong doing" and compare it to a picture of MLK Jr. , than it is for us to do the hard work and try to empathize with a community that is broken and to actually DO something about it. We project our own fears and insecurities through memes and low blows instead of reaching out and connecting. We name call and revert to cruel comments, instead of being open to listening and trying to relate to the feelings. We devalue the feelings of others by shutting them down when they are vulnerable, because we have such a drive to be "right". Well hell guys, NONE OF THIS IS RIGHT. We stop listening and start thinking of a rebuttal, because we feel shame for the privileges that were given to us, without ANY earning of them. My lack of hunger is a privilege. My kids lack of hunger is a privilege.

"Looking for the Helpers"

When will we take Mr. Roger's advice and "look for the helpers" instead of focusing solely on the violent expressions of pain that the few are showing. Because, in this time of instantaneous spreading of information, hiding behind a computer, lack of researching, and quickness to generalize...we are doing nothing but continuing and exploiting the cycle. Because the rioters are getting more screen time than the helpers. The helpers and peaceful protesters are being bombed with gas and treated inhumanely. The police are being generalized as a whole for the actions of some. Spouses of first responders are fearing for their loved one's lives and out of fear, they can not see the pain of others.  POC are continuing to be treated differently that white people, and we are too stuck in our own worlds of privilege and lack of will to reach out and understand and empathize, that our people are breaking. Our other humans are breaking...and we continue to separate. We continue to argue and fight rather than understand, attempt to relate, connect, and empathize. 

We need to do better as a human race. So I challenge us all:

• Stop ignoring that we have privileges that others do not.
• Stop generalizing an entire community of people based on the actions of some. 
• Embrace the real and difficult emotions and connect. 
• Talk to people with differing beliefs and accept them as different, not wrong.
• Walk beside those who need you. 
• Care for those who can't care for themselves. 
• Speak up when you witness wrong doings and injustice. Apologize when you are not brave enough. 
• Seek to find truth and connection when emotions of pain, anger, and fear start to take over. 
• Accept that we live in a flawed and imperfect world, but DO NOT accept that any life is more important than another. 
• Share the good. 
• Be a helper. 
• Embrace differences and the beauty of diversity. (no one wants to use a box of white crayons)
• Be Vulnerable and Honest about your emotions---especially when it's scary.
• Reach out and make someone else feel good. 
• Love your POC and your Police friends without shame. 
• Educate our children on the wrongs in this world, on their own privileges, and on dealing with hard emotions. 
• Learn about other people's belief's and communities.
• Educate yourself on the issues and difficulties in the communities around you. 
• DO SOMETHING GOOD. BIG or small, the world need to see more good being done. 
• Look within yourself often, and DO THE SELF WORK. 

and above all things...

Love ALL life unconditionally.
Love your friends, family, enemies, strangers and this Earth.