Education is powerful

September 2020

My mind has done nothing but wonder the past month. I have so many words, feelings, emotions, pains in my head and heart...that articulating them is difficult. We were not raised as a generation to do the mind work. We were not raised on the importance of social emotional awareness...which makes everything a bit harder when speaking your voice.

With so many loved ones sharing conflicting thoughts, pain, and priorities...I just want to take some time to process myself and to think within myself. Starting off by saying, I love the safety and the lack of fear I have right now sitting outside to write this...listening to the birds tweet and the dogs bark, I am grateful for this privilege that I have and the freedom to be educated enough to simply be able to type my words. 

I am so beyond grateful for the life that we live and the things surrounding us that give us the ability to be prosperous. I am grateful for the family that raised me and showed me examples of things like: respect, kindness, hope, fear, hard time, good time, strength, courage, love, patience, persistence, and so much more.

I spend a lot of time asking myself and the world "Why", "How", "What If"...I have always been this way. I am inquisitive and sometimes it is to a fault. Sometimes I get so stuck in the questions---that they overcome my thoughts and my whole mind. I have a lot of those questions right now in regards to our soon to be 'return' to school. So much so that they have caused me a tremendous amount of anxiety and I can tell it is effecting me physically, not just emotionally. (back to this in a minute)

However, through all of this...there are moments that I just embrace and love. I have been at home for nearly 6 months with my boys, everyday. It has been challenging and rewarding. We have had great days and not so great ones. BUT, we end each night with identifying our big emotions of the day, I ask them each night, "What was you happy part, sad part, angry part, and frustrated part?". nearly every night our boys choose a random moment that I may have let slip past as their favorite parts, and it reminds me to slow down and truly see and feel what this time with them is, precious.

Here are some of their responses:
My happy part was...
"when you laid down with me in the grass and looked at the clouds",
"when daddy played wrestlin with me",
"When I got to give you belly rubs",
"When we went to the neighbors and you pushed me on the swing",
"when you played the game with me"
"When you gave me special kisses"
"When we floated on our backs together in the pool"
"When you gave me cuddles"
and they go on and on and on with this every night----6/7 nights they choose a tiny moment in a day that happened with me. Many nights Rex will say "My happy part was you mama-just everything" and my heart just melts as I kiss him goodnight. I am so very grateful for these moments and these times we have spent together, educating and learning together how to understand our emotions better.

Back to education and questioning the world. Someone told me the other day "I remember even as a kid, you would just keep pressing on something and asking But Why" and I never really thought in depth about how much I do question things until I reflected on some moments Here are times I just couldn't stop until I knew:

1. Where does the trash in NY go? (Jersey)
2. What is the leading cause of death of children in the US/World? (US-Vehicle accidents/firearm incidents World
3. How do certain chemicals effect our body systems? (so many ways save for another post)
4. Who were the original people on our land? (Cherokee) 
5. How long does it take plastic to degrade? (depends of thickness and type)
6. What is trauma, and how does it effect us physically and emotionally? (save for another post)
7. Where does the spider go at night? (depends on spider, some weave, some sleep)
8. What do mosquitoes do for  the world? (not crap)
9. Why does McDonald's coke taste better? (the carbonation is trademarked and the straws are special)
10. Were their mortgage stops in other countries during the pandemic? (yes0
11. Where does the word Sassy come from?
12. How do light waves effect body tissue? (different frequencies do different things)
13. Why are some dogs so persistent about getting under the covers? (safety)

Never stop questioning things, you learn a lot by being inquisitive. 

A World in Pain

May 29, 2020

Our world is hurting. 

Pandemic. 
Injustice.
Hate.
Violence. 
Environmental concerns.
Starvation.
to name a few.

Today, I sit and write, not for anyone but myself. I have no idea how to even start what I want to say...but I figure, the first step was to open my computer with a cup of coffee and just write. So stay with me or don't...but here it goes. 

Our world is hurting. Our families and friends are fighting. Our protectors and citizens are broken and fearful. Our hearts are stuck in shame, fear, and generalizations.  

So, after weeks of seeing various statements, comments, posts, etc. I need to address something. I need to own that what I have is a privilege and I need my boys to understand that there are people in this world who had NO CHOICE to the life they were brought into. 
(This is where some people will leave, but I hope you don't...just stay with me)

Let's Start with the definition of a word: 

Privilege: a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group.

Acknowledging  privilege does not mean your life was easy. It does not mean that you did not fight  and work hard for the life you have. It does not mean that you think of yourself as superior...it does however give insight into the lives of others and the things in your life that you had to aide you in your survival and growth as a human, that others may not have had. 

I have privileges that others do not. And if you are reading this, You do too. 

I do not apologize for them or want others to apologize, but it is important to recognize and own the things in our life that are a privileges and acknowledge and respect that there are those who DO NOT get or have these privileges. It is our jobs as parents, and hell, human beings to 'love thy neighbor' and to teach our kids to appreciate their privileges and lead them to understanding there are others who do not have these privileges. That they need to work to make all lives better by using and understanding their own privileges. They need to fight when they see something unjust. They need to love all and be kind, even when it is hard. They need to stick up for those that can't do it for themselves. They need to respect, appreciate, and fight for ALL life. The only way that anything will change in this world is if we all DO THE HARD WORK to acknowledge these things about ourselves and our world. Only once we acknowledge these things, can we work on the world outside of our self. 

So today, I choose to work on self and identify my privilege and then, I can work on the pain of others not given these privileges. 

My kids and I had the privilege of being born into a family (more on that in a min) in a country (with flaws) that has a life expectancy of 75, one of the lowest multidimensional poverty rates in the world, and has an education expectation average of 16 years...instead of being born in Niger, for example, where the poverty rate is over 90% and educational expectations are 6 years. (http://hdr.undp.org/en/countries).

I did not choose to be born here nor did those in other countries choose their birth places. It is a privilege that I and my sons have--and I ache for those who fight for this privilege and are met with hate and fear. Where boarders are filled with pain, death, and tears. Families are torn apart, ridiculed, and felt unworthy by others who hide behind their 'rights'---again...It was not my right to be born here, nor was it my children's...it is a privilege that I have to own and understand. Because, until I do, and until others do, we will continue to fill the world with pain. We Don't Choose Where we are born---so how can we continue to treat others in inhumane ways, simply because they were not given the privileges that we were from birth.

My kids were born into a VERY large and loving family. They are males, have 2 white parents, 1 male 1 female. I do not have fears of them being bullied or persecuted for their sex, color of their skin or their parent's choices of who they loved. This is privilege. I had the privilege of being brought up in a semi-more diverse community. I had friends of all ethnicity, I went to a school with diversity and cultural celebrations from various countries. I also went to a school where guns and gangs were a norm. Where my boyfriend sold guns to various gang members. Where my body was grabbed in ways it shouldn't and where I had to make friend connections to feel secure at times, but I was still very privileged, because I got to go home to a safe and loving home each night. 

My kids do not have a school or community to get these experiences, which is a positive and a negative...so I have to work harder to teach them about different cultures, ethnicity, and explain POC to my very white children. My niece is also being raised in this same community. She is darker skinned with beautiful Native American blood and skin, dark hair and eyes, she has had to endure hateful and racist comments from peers and her community. My surrobaby is Asian and has a whole world of expectations and prejudice upon him after this pandemic due to trauma, miseducation, and fear of others. My boys do not have to feel that pain- solely due to the color of their skin. That is privilege. 

My children are white males. This countries own constitution was written by white males---and in its originating state was built for them, not ALL people. It wasn't until others, spoke up of injustice and hate that it was amended for women and persons of color. So, them being born white and male, is a privilege. One that automatically provides them with advantages and rights that others had to fight and are still fighting for throughout this country and world. It is my job to explain this to them and to teach and guide them through the continuous battles of women and POC in every environment.

It is a privilege for them to be male, because I know what it is like to be a female in this world. The difficulties surrounding the female population are ridiculous at times: Your ideas are not always seen as intelligent, but instead emotional. Your body is for other people's enjoyment, not your own. You must look a certain way to be 'beautiful'. If you cry you are weak. You are mothering 'wrong'. You express doubts and fears and you're just another whining female. You show too much boob or leg, you're a whore or asking for it. You have too many layers, you're a prude. It goes on and on and on. Now add to that if you were a POC and a female...again. I see my privilege and I know my sons are privileged, simply for their sex and skin color. I will have to work harder to teach them to respect boundaries, to love all human bodies and embrace differences...because there is a world out there the does not appreciate or respect women or person's of color as much as they do white men.

My children did not choose their parents, they have the privilege to grow up with two cisgender parents of opposing sex with the same ethnicity and no addiction or abuse. That is a privilege. My kids will not be picked on for their parents loving each other or raising them together. As a teacher, I have witnessed (and yes intervened) rude and disrespectful comments from one classmate to another based on the child's parents/lifestyle. I have heard students be made fun of because their parents are "lesbos" or "druggies" or even one of the worst comments "I see why your mom doesn't love you". Kid's DO NOT, just make these behaviors up out of nowhere...these words, actions, and thoughts are learned behaviors.

Somewhere, whether through their families, community, tv shows, or media...these kids have learned to hate, judge and ridicule---mostly in part because of fear and predispositions of "normal" or set belief systems that don't accept others. We can do better, but only once we face our own demons, beliefs, and morals and choose better. You can't tell a kid that the color of someone's skin doesn't matter...than turn around and say racial comments about people in front of them. Lead and Live by example...You can't tell your child that all ____ are the same and they all are ____. Generalizing a society based on a few is toxic and the origin of hate, distrust, and prejudice.

My boys are being raised in a house and home. They have kind neighbors. They have woods and fun things to play with, not gunshots, graffiti, and gangs. They did not choose this, it is the privilege that we have bestowed upon them. Did/do we work hard as parents to give them such things, yes, does that make it any less of a privilege, no. Was my father working his tail off when I grew up to provide me with basically anything I wanted or needed, yes. Was it my right? No. It was a privilege. It was an advantage that I was given by those who raised me.

I did not understand nor appreciate it then, as I do now. As I look back on some of my friends and the struggles they were going through, many of my friends had horrible home lives, abuse, neglect, drug addiction, fear of being 'home', and so much hate on a daily basis. I see that now, as they open up and communicate more as adults. My friends did not have a choice of their upbringing. I did not have a choice, I was provided for and protected from a very harsh world. I witnessed injustices and I saw them first hand in school, but I know I did not stand up for or fight for those who needed me, and it is my job to teach my children of the errors and fears that held me back. So that THEY can do better than I did. So that they can love, protects, and stand up for ALL people, as I know I was not able to then. 

My children are being provided an education because their parents value it and their country requires. This is a privilege that many people around the world do not have. They live and go to school in a predominantly white community, that unfortunately is ignorant and unkind to POC at times, due to their own learned behaviors from various sources and their own family prejudices. So, do I agree with everything that is taught to them or how things are taught in our schools, no. Heck, as a teacher, I have a lot of issues surrounding the systems that we endure. However, we have made it a 'right' to these kids in our country to have an education. Now...stop for a minute and let's compare school systems/schools. Our small rural school system has it's own issues and concerns but they are nothing compared to the inner city schools in say Detroit or the Bronx. These kids are dealt a deck of cards that many of us have never had to pick up or witness. Our school systems, people, and communities are broken and hurting, because they continue to feel less than and unworthy in a world that idolizes some, generalizes all, and ignores the few.  

My boys will never have to feel hunger or pains of neglect from their parents. That is a Privilege. We feed our kids first in this family, then elders, then ourselves...it is our main goal to take care of those who need it most. NOT ALL children or adults were raised with that perspective, AND IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT. There are kids and people ALL around this world who do not eat food or drink clean water, solely because of the area that they were born...is that their fault? No. Could I stay behind my privilege and say, well it's not here, so I don't need to worry about it, yes. 

But if this Pandemic has taught me anything, it is here, it is all around us. It could be your friend, your neighbor, your church friends. I have students who do not eat daily. Students who's parents would rather sell and buy drugs than put food on the table or even make sure their kids have clean clothes. We do have resources and community out reaches set in place to help these kids, but the fact alone that they have to endure this pain and struggle is something that will create shame and insecurity within them, and that is not their fault. This is in small town USA, just imagine rural Africa.

So, do I condone stealing, looting, and rioting...hell no. Do I understand that these people young or old resorting to such decrees may have some strong feelings going on and have NEVER been taught or even witnessed anything more than hate and violence in their lives, yes. Do I fear and have anger that they are doing these things and causing more harm, absolutely.  Do a fear for my police friends of all ethnicities and hope and wish that they don't get sent into theses zones, yes. My heart aches for the kids and families of loved ones sending their spouses to work and not knowing if they will be coming home...but this fear is also, the same fear that my poc friends have expressed about just running through their neighborhoods, getting pulled over, and sending their kids to school. 

Do I wish for a world that everyone was fed, loved, hugged, and taught how to deal with difficult emotions and wrong doing, yes...is that our reality? No. Can we learn, grow and begin to educate more on social emotional feelings, yes...so why aren't we? Because we are stuck in arguments of generalization of who's lives are more important than others. 

We stand behind our own shame triggers, because it's easier for us to share an image of "wrong doing" and compare it to a picture of MLK Jr. , than it is for us to do the hard work and try to empathize with a community that is broken and to actually DO something about it. We project our own fears and insecurities through memes and low blows instead of reaching out and connecting. We name call and revert to cruel comments, instead of being open to listening and trying to relate to the feelings. We devalue the feelings of others by shutting them down when they are vulnerable, because we have such a drive to be "right". Well hell guys, NONE OF THIS IS RIGHT. We stop listening and start thinking of a rebuttal, because we feel shame for the privileges that were given to us, without ANY earning of them. My lack of hunger is a privilege. My kids lack of hunger is a privilege.

"Looking for the Helpers"

When will we take Mr. Roger's advice and "look for the helpers" instead of focusing solely on the violent expressions of pain that the few are showing. Because, in this time of instantaneous spreading of information, hiding behind a computer, lack of researching, and quickness to generalize...we are doing nothing but continuing and exploiting the cycle. Because the rioters are getting more screen time than the helpers. The helpers and peaceful protesters are being bombed with gas and treated inhumanely. The police are being generalized as a whole for the actions of some. Spouses of first responders are fearing for their loved one's lives and out of fear, they can not see the pain of others.  POC are continuing to be treated differently that white people, and we are too stuck in our own worlds of privilege and lack of will to reach out and understand and empathize, that our people are breaking. Our other humans are breaking...and we continue to separate. We continue to argue and fight rather than understand, attempt to relate, connect, and empathize. 

We need to do better as a human race. So I challenge us all:

• Stop ignoring that we have privileges that others do not.
• Stop generalizing an entire community of people based on the actions of some. 
• Embrace the real and difficult emotions and connect. 
• Talk to people with differing beliefs and accept them as different, not wrong.
• Walk beside those who need you. 
• Care for those who can't care for themselves. 
• Speak up when you witness wrong doings and injustice. Apologize when you are not brave enough. 
• Seek to find truth and connection when emotions of pain, anger, and fear start to take over. 
• Accept that we live in a flawed and imperfect world, but DO NOT accept that any life is more important than another. 
• Share the good. 
• Be a helper. 
• Embrace differences and the beauty of diversity. (no one wants to use a box of white crayons)
• Be Vulnerable and Honest about your emotions---especially when it's scary.
• Reach out and make someone else feel good. 
• Love your POC and your Police friends without shame. 
• Educate our children on the wrongs in this world, on their own privileges, and on dealing with hard emotions. 
• Learn about other people's belief's and communities.
• Educate yourself on the issues and difficulties in the communities around you. 
• DO SOMETHING GOOD. BIG or small, the world need to see more good being done. 
• Look within yourself often, and DO THE SELF WORK. 

and above all things...

Love ALL life unconditionally.
Love your friends, family, enemies, strangers and this Earth. 

Turing on the Light

March 27, 2020

“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” -Dumbledore

Today was an amazing day FULL of tears, love, gratitude, and most of all hope.

Hope in humanity. Hope in the future. Hope for our communities. Hope for Love.

I turned 30 today, and it was originally going to be a big festive of friends (well I don't know all the details, because it was a surprise) but it was planned and ready for tonight. Instead, I sat on my laptop this evening with a few loved ones and celebrated a day of amazing events. Covid-19, Social Distancing, Isolation, and Quarantine are all the word that have become abundant it our world, it has seemed dark and dim.

I was so determined to try to find some joy, light, and beauty through all of this. 

I am a people person, I need my family and my loved ones as well as my students---they are what keep me going each day, so this has been a rough time for my soul.

So, I wanted to choose to do things that made me happy, brought joy to my heart, filled my cup. So often I spend time filling up other cups (and I still did that today 😊) that I forget to fill my own. I get stuck in a I "have to" " need to" mindset that I forget to do things that bring me joy. Don't get me wrong, my family, job, and friends all bring me joy daily...but today was just focusing on some choices that solely were what I wanted.

When I say today was FULL!  I mean it...so here it is.

• 12ish am...My 2 sisters video called and woke me up and wished me a happy bday. 
• The call was full of giggles and inappropriate jokes that tend to happen when the 3 of us talk. Gosh I love my sisters
• 6 am...woke up with Rex and made him cereal and pumped for baby X. Then fell back to sleep. 
• 7:58 am- woke up and realized I was 'supposed' to be on a Zoom Parent call at 8am. So I grabbed a shirt, threw it on and pulled my hair up and stepped outside to have the call. Yep, was still wearing Pjs on the bottom #winning 
• Was a good call with parents who did nothing but praise our team and teachers.
• While on the call, my hubby made me a pot of coffee and brought a cup out to me. My boys peeked their heads out the door and wished me a happy birthday
• 8:50 am got off the call, got some paper out and started making signs for the "Student Parade" our schools arranged. The boys helped me to color in some of the signs and we had a good time. 
• 9:20 am finished up and rushed us all out the door, because the parade was at 10 and we were meeting some other teachers...never could I have imagined what this parade became. 
• 1020ish am...we started on our parade journey. 
• This parade lasted about 5 hours. 5 hours of teachers driving, weaving, pulling around dead ends, screaming, honking, and waving (so much waving). 
• It was exhausting (as Rex kept saying) and we were all hungry and needing to pee (heck E peed in a bottle in the car), I had to switch with Tim at one point to pump, neither of us expected it would be this long of a trip....BUT IT WAS WORTH IT. 
• We saw so many people along the routes families and friends of the schools...but what we saw most were older and wiser members of the communities stepping out and soaking up ALL of the LOVE that was being thrown to them. 
• I was truly humbled as we drove through some of the spots, I really let it soak in how blessed we are to have the home that we have. I also hurt a bit seeing some of the hard parts of our beautiful community.
• When I say Love was pouring, I mean it. These teachers were pouring their hearts into those horns and waves. There were tears shed by many (teachers and onlookers) there were people running up driveways to get a glimpse of the joy. It was amazing and truly did fill my heart. 
• Spreading that amount of joy, making a difference in someones day, feeling the love myself...THAT filled my cup. 
• 2:30 pm we had to leave the parade at Craggie hope, and go get the boys some food (they usually eat lunch at 11 and we were all hot, tired, and a bit hangry...so we went to get Sonic then to Walgreens to pick up an order. 
• 3:45ish: Got hope, finally went pee and then pumped again...had to get done, because I was going to jump on a Student Zoom call before Spring Break next week to challenge them to contact the kids I have not spoken to yet and have them get in touch with me so I know they are ok. 
• 4:05ish Tim comes into room while I'm pumping and tells me I need to go outside, because someone needs me...Curious, I stop pumping and head outside, where I assume maybe my sister or mom or someone is going to be driving by to say hey. 
• Nope. IT WAS MY ENTIRE FAMILY. They had a decorated caravan from sister to sister there were 7 full cars of love, completely decorated with signs and posters.
•  My nephew led the parade down my tiny street waving a huge Happy Birthday flag.
• They honked, screamed, sang happy birthday and filled my tiny road with tons of love.
• We may not be able to hold each other physically (too many immune compromised in our family to risk it) but man did I feel held in that moment. Tears flowed down m y cheek as I laughed and smiled. 
• I felt like I was being lifted and snuggled with all of the love in the world- My family is truly an amazing gift to my life. They filled my cup to the rim with beauty and hope that this too will pass and we will celebrate as one, I will hold them and love them again soon. 
• 4:45 I waved good bye to my family and jumped on the Zoom with my students. I led them and talked with them a bit, then signed off and let them finish talking to each other until the time ran out. I challenged the to get in contact with the ones I have not heard from and tell them that I need to know they are okay (within 5min after the call I had 10 more of my students check in and let me know they were okay)...I was getting closer to seeing and talking to each of my 150 students. 
• 5ish pm We had ice cream and mama blew out a candle as Rex and E sang Happy Birthday to me. May my boys are getting so big. 
• 6:00pm I got in the tub with some Epsom salts and lavender to relax some. 
• 7:00pm-7:30 started building the boys Lego table that came in the mail as I waited to go pick up the Mexican food I had ordered. 
• P.S. We can now get Alcoholic beverage to-go from restaurants due to the quarantine, so I got a pitcher of margaritas! 
• 7:45 pumped again and then sat down to eat with all of my men. 
• The boys love "chips and dip" and so do I
• 9:00 we brushed teeth and put a movie on for the boys. 
• 9:30 jumped on one last Zoom call of the day and for to see a couple more beautiful faces of loved ones. told jokes and stories, then signed off. 
• 10 something, laid in the playroom with my sweet boys and watch Loon King 2 with them. 
• Rex rubbed my belly as he has done since he was little bitty and E held my hand as we laid together on the futon. 
• 11:15 I sat down to write this and soak up all that was accomplished today and all of the love and emotions that were felt today. It was definitely a day filled with a lot of BIG emotions, so tomorrow will probably bring a lot of couch sitting and Netflix 😆
• 11:59 I finish this and say good night and THANK YOU to every soul I saw today, for loving me and for showing me the love in this world. Thank You for Helping to reminding me that there is HOPE. We are all connected and We are all full of Love. 

Goodnight,
Allison

Big Trees Sway

March 26, 2020

Swaying but Sturdy

Have you ever just sat? Sat and listened to the world around you? Sat and let your mind wonder and reflect? Looked at the world around you and wondered how it was connected to you? Wondered why your soul was so much more at peace when you feel the sun, hear the birds, smell the green, and just see life unfolding in front of you? 

That was me this morning. I spent time just sitting with my coffee and the world around me. Hearing birds chirp and squawk, squirrels fight and dogs bark. Watching birds soar and squirrels jump from tree to tree. Observing how clouds change and disappear as they passed by. Smelling the green of the earth, mud/dirt (because we can't grow grass), and freshly cut trees. Feeling the dirt on my feet and sun on my face and dew on my legs from my seat. But most of all what I observed were the trees. 

They are Tall. They are strong (I know we just cut down 11 and the sound when they fall is like no other). They are flexible and some parts break or snap...but not enough to effect their beauty...not enough to effect their ability to be life and security for the world around them. Even the ones who have fallen still become a source of life for other things around them. They Sway with beauty and Dance in the wind.  

My favorite book growing up was "The Giving Tree" and to this day that is still the case. This morning, I am not only reminded of this story, but also it made me reflect on how the past 29 years have made me like these trees. 

How do Trees Grow?

As my twenties come to a close, I realize how much they have grown me, how much they have changed me, what parts of me are the twigs and which parts are the trunk and roots.

Trees not only grow up, they grow out and down. Meaning, there is more to them than we can see. "Most trees’ roots extend beyond the widest branch tips"---Think about that! The roots extend beyond the WIDEST branch tips...Now, think about people. 

Think about how much more is beneath the surface of those around you. How much we don't know about people and how much they have within them. We all have so many memories, experiences, and events that have shaped who we are and who we grow into as people.  

Two trees can grow in the exact same environment, experience the exact same conditions and events yet EVERY tree is different. The bark, roots, limbs are each shaped and have their own design. They have their own trunks and rings within them, each unique and unable to be replicated or matched. Much like every person in this world. No person is identical to another. No ones feelings, memories, or perspectives are the same. We all have our own unique, flawed, sometimes bumpy but oh so beautiful life. We value all of these trees for their uniqueness and their beauty---shouldn't we be do the same for each other? 

My Personal Roots, Trunk, and Twigs

Roots: 

The roots to my life (and to I would assume most) are my family. These roots have helped me to grow and spread, they have grown deeper and spread out greatly in my 29 years. Some roots have become damaged, some lost, and some stronger than others. We have twisted roots and straight roots, roots that hold more weight than others. I have found that depending on my perspective, my roots are the strength in parts of my family and in other parts, they depend on the roots around them for survival. One root alone cannot hold up the entire being, it can not provide all of the strength or nutrients...it is forced to depend on those around. This lesson has been the hardest for me to learn. Asking for help, delegating, and releasing my anxieties has been an ever changing and ever growing journey.

I have found so many ways that I am strong the past few years and I have found strength in identifying my "weaknesses". I have grown through paths that were dark and twisty. I have been through trauma on a personal and global scale. Like many others, my path was not perfect or forged for me (though I have had ease where others struggled), and like the tree it was not easy to break through to create new paths. I have had parts of my growth that were much easier, I have had parts that have made me understand how fortunate I am to have those around me and my circumstances. We have made it from times of financial, emotional, and physical pains to bliss and beauty. My roots continue to shift, grow spread, and strengthen. My family has grown through new life and strengthened through loss. We have expanded beyond our branches and embraced others as our own and as family. These roots continue to grow, adapt, and strengthen. Roots must be cared for and fed, Roots bust be protected and loved. Roots are the foundation to growth. I am grateful for my roots and for the roots I provide for my children. They have many in their corner and we will continue to instill the values of cherishing these roots throughout their lives. 

Trunk: 

My trunk is my physical/mental being and the internal circling of events and growth. The trunk of a tree is scared, bruised, wider as it ages, and completely unique.  

Did you know that the darker portion of a trees trunk, the most internal core of the tree is called "heart"wood did you also know that portion of the tree is technically dead? Weird huh? How we name something dead after that which keeps us alive? This heartwood, if exposed to air, would cause the decay to happen quickly. Instead, it is protected by layers and layers of history. These layers define the tree, they keep a history of events, some good some bad. Some trees have thicker bark than others...yet they all depend on this bark and these new cells (experiences) to keep the heartwood protected.

As our skin does for our everyday physical well being. Our health and heart are dependent upon our skin and our reactions of events through time for protection. Our skin, every wrinkle and scar tells a story. I was talking with one of my 'more experienced" friends awhile back and she mentioned her wrinkles and complaining about how old she looked. I smiled, and said I embrace those lines (especially the ones she was pointing too--the laughing ones 😏) . Because they tell a story, they tell us we have lived, those lines tell me I have smiled and laughed. We have 2 ways of looking at these things. We can choose to let events or trauma break us and reveal our heartwood, or we can embrace, stay strong, learn, adapt, and keep growing. The continued growth of our minds and spirits help to protect our hearts. WE need to ALL remember that.  

As we cut down some trees I notices that I could identify the trees by their barks and their trunks, but no 2 trees were identical. No two trees had the same spots or circles on their interior. We may "have similar skins" and similar events that revolve around our lives, but none of us have identical histories. Yet we all produce our own beauty and benefit to the world. Each of our stories are valued and needed. We need each other and we need to be understanding, caring and loving to one another and ourselves. One tree is beautiful standing alone, but as I look out off of my deck, the view is much more beautiful as all of the trees dance together in the wind during these crazy and unpredictable times. 

But, the trees don't just look pretty together, they care for each other. I see some trees have broken, yet not fallen because those around it hold it up. Much like people can be broken or hurt at times and require support. While we were cutting trees, we had just one left to go (this one was a tough one)...what made it more difficult, was that the tree beside it refused to let it fall. One strong limb of this tree held onto the entire weight of the tree we had cut. We had to push, shove, pull and eventually the tree fell...but not before breaking the limb of the tree that was providing support.

This made me really think about how supporting each other and caring for each other is important, but oh so often, many of us do it to the point that we break. I know I tend to do this and have been doing it my entire life. I am full of empathy, a helper, a healer, and a teacher. I tend to "do too much" for others and not enough for myself. Over the past 10 years, I have learned this about myself. I have also learned to set boundaries, have the hard talks, make hard decisions about trust, and learned to say no when I need (yes I still slip up often...but as stated before I continue to grow). In just the past few years, I have made this area of life one to work on. A friend of mine (thanks Megan) introduced me to Brene Brown and her stories/research hit my heart in all the right places that I needed at this time in my life...so I did what I do best, learn. I started reading, practicing, and exploring my own mind and spirit. I'll leave you with this one image that I have found helpful from her readings in terms of self care...an acronym. 

 

Twigs:

The twigs and branches are what we notice first about trees. We see the beauty that they bring in the changing seasons as well as the fruit and bounty they provide. We watch them slowly grow through time. Sometimes they break, sometimes they sway, and sometimes they become a safe haven for another. I read a line while doing some tree research that said this: "Until you understand the differences, all branches look pretty much alike. But the differences between forks, true branches, and epicormic sprouts (sometimes called "suckers") are profound and important. Knowing them could save your tree, your house, or your life." WOW---who knew trees could have so much meaning and bring so much perspective to ones mind (PS. I promise, I'm almost done). 

My branches have become full and bountiful through the years. I have had times when they were scarce as a dogwood in the winter, and I have had times where they are full bloom and filled with new life and opportunities. Every year brings on new branches, sometimes true branching occurs and sometimes forks and sprouts"suckers" occur. True branching occurs from the buds. this is branching that has lead to my own family and beauty. This is branching that defines us, strengthens us, and shows the world how fierce we truly are. These branches continue to help me grow as a person, mother, wife, friend, and teacher. 

Forks occur in my life often daily, as forks in a tree are observable and real. I have to make more decisions in my life now than I have ever had to and that takes a toll on you. Some of these forks lead to a new budding branch and some of them break. Some are stronger than others, but all have built me into the person I am and the person I will be. Will I always choose the right path or make the right decision, heck no....will I still be okay and will my family/friends still be okay when I make mistakes and choose the wrong direction? Absolutely. Because looking out the window and seeing the beauty and power that these trees possess is profound, as we all are profound in our own unique ways. 

Then that leaves us (haha leaves 😂) with the "suckers". Oh do we all have those in our lives, they are the thoughts and the societal "you should be ____s". Suckers are superficial parts of growth that at times look perfect and beautiful, but are actually weak, uncontrollable, and increase the distress response. These are parts of our lives that bring up the I "Should", "Could", and "Woulds" of comparing ourselves to others. They are the things that social media, news outlets, and commercials (though starting to get better) have us comparing our lives to. These are things we read like "how to be the perfect mom/teacher/wife/ (insert title here)" created to "help" but in turn just turn into (as Brene Brown would say) shame triggers. Sending us into a well of unworthiness, feelings of defeat, and sadness. These are the branches we need the most help to identify, because they threaten our well being and our life. They threaten our family, home, and friendships. When you learn to identify these suckers (we all have them) we can truly appreciate and care for the true branches in our lives. 

Today is the last day of my twenties and I release it with love, growth, and optimism for what the next few decades bring. The roaring twenties were just that, full of so many roaring events from births, deaths, moves, relationships formed and lost, career changes and family relationships strengthened. I appreciate every day that I have, I see the beauty and the darkness. I see the growth and potential of light darkness. I rise as a tree in the forest and I dance/sway with those I love. I will support you as well as myself. I will choose so many paths and hit obstacles, but I will persevere and grow.

Never Stop Growing.
Never Stop Learning.
Never Stop Caring.

Be true to yourself, and when your not- recognize it and redirect. Above all, Love yourself, Love others, and Love the Earth you belong to...we are very small in a Universe of unknown.
Remember: We Are All Connected---through the most difficult times, just remember that...you. are. not. alone.
You are strong, your life is unique, and your experiences create opportunities for strength. Be a Tree!

 

With Love,

Just another tree in this forest of Life
♥️Mueller♥️

In Case you want to do some research on trees:
https://www.sactree.com/assets/files/greenprint/toolkit/c/huntsvilleTreeGuide.pdf
https://www.britannica.com/science/heartwood
http://www.dof.virginia.gov/infopubs/_forest-facts/FF-How-A-Tree-Grows_pub.pdf
https://www.theforestacademy.com/tree-knowledge/annual-growth-rings/#.Xn1HRYhKjIV