Turing on the Light

March 27, 2020

“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” -Dumbledore

Today was an amazing day FULL of tears, love, gratitude, and most of all hope.

Hope in humanity. Hope in the future. Hope for our communities. Hope for Love.

I turned 30 today, and it was originally going to be a big festive of friends (well I don't know all the details, because it was a surprise) but it was planned and ready for tonight. Instead, I sat on my laptop this evening with a few loved ones and celebrated a day of amazing events. Covid-19, Social Distancing, Isolation, and Quarantine are all the word that have become abundant it our world, it has seemed dark and dim.

I was so determined to try to find some joy, light, and beauty through all of this. 

I am a people person, I need my family and my loved ones as well as my students---they are what keep me going each day, so this has been a rough time for my soul.

So, I wanted to choose to do things that made me happy, brought joy to my heart, filled my cup. So often I spend time filling up other cups (and I still did that today 😊) that I forget to fill my own. I get stuck in a I "have to" " need to" mindset that I forget to do things that bring me joy. Don't get me wrong, my family, job, and friends all bring me joy daily...but today was just focusing on some choices that solely were what I wanted.

When I say today was FULL!  I mean it...so here it is.

• 12ish am...My 2 sisters video called and woke me up and wished me a happy bday. 
• The call was full of giggles and inappropriate jokes that tend to happen when the 3 of us talk. Gosh I love my sisters
• 6 am...woke up with Rex and made him cereal and pumped for baby X. Then fell back to sleep. 
• 7:58 am- woke up and realized I was 'supposed' to be on a Zoom Parent call at 8am. So I grabbed a shirt, threw it on and pulled my hair up and stepped outside to have the call. Yep, was still wearing Pjs on the bottom #winning 
• Was a good call with parents who did nothing but praise our team and teachers.
• While on the call, my hubby made me a pot of coffee and brought a cup out to me. My boys peeked their heads out the door and wished me a happy birthday
• 8:50 am got off the call, got some paper out and started making signs for the "Student Parade" our schools arranged. The boys helped me to color in some of the signs and we had a good time. 
• 9:20 am finished up and rushed us all out the door, because the parade was at 10 and we were meeting some other teachers...never could I have imagined what this parade became. 
• 1020ish am...we started on our parade journey. 
• This parade lasted about 5 hours. 5 hours of teachers driving, weaving, pulling around dead ends, screaming, honking, and waving (so much waving). 
• It was exhausting (as Rex kept saying) and we were all hungry and needing to pee (heck E peed in a bottle in the car), I had to switch with Tim at one point to pump, neither of us expected it would be this long of a trip....BUT IT WAS WORTH IT. 
• We saw so many people along the routes families and friends of the schools...but what we saw most were older and wiser members of the communities stepping out and soaking up ALL of the LOVE that was being thrown to them. 
• I was truly humbled as we drove through some of the spots, I really let it soak in how blessed we are to have the home that we have. I also hurt a bit seeing some of the hard parts of our beautiful community.
• When I say Love was pouring, I mean it. These teachers were pouring their hearts into those horns and waves. There were tears shed by many (teachers and onlookers) there were people running up driveways to get a glimpse of the joy. It was amazing and truly did fill my heart. 
• Spreading that amount of joy, making a difference in someones day, feeling the love myself...THAT filled my cup. 
• 2:30 pm we had to leave the parade at Craggie hope, and go get the boys some food (they usually eat lunch at 11 and we were all hot, tired, and a bit hangry...so we went to get Sonic then to Walgreens to pick up an order. 
• 3:45ish: Got hope, finally went pee and then pumped again...had to get done, because I was going to jump on a Student Zoom call before Spring Break next week to challenge them to contact the kids I have not spoken to yet and have them get in touch with me so I know they are ok. 
• 4:05ish Tim comes into room while I'm pumping and tells me I need to go outside, because someone needs me...Curious, I stop pumping and head outside, where I assume maybe my sister or mom or someone is going to be driving by to say hey. 
• Nope. IT WAS MY ENTIRE FAMILY. They had a decorated caravan from sister to sister there were 7 full cars of love, completely decorated with signs and posters.
•  My nephew led the parade down my tiny street waving a huge Happy Birthday flag.
• They honked, screamed, sang happy birthday and filled my tiny road with tons of love.
• We may not be able to hold each other physically (too many immune compromised in our family to risk it) but man did I feel held in that moment. Tears flowed down m y cheek as I laughed and smiled. 
• I felt like I was being lifted and snuggled with all of the love in the world- My family is truly an amazing gift to my life. They filled my cup to the rim with beauty and hope that this too will pass and we will celebrate as one, I will hold them and love them again soon. 
• 4:45 I waved good bye to my family and jumped on the Zoom with my students. I led them and talked with them a bit, then signed off and let them finish talking to each other until the time ran out. I challenged the to get in contact with the ones I have not heard from and tell them that I need to know they are okay (within 5min after the call I had 10 more of my students check in and let me know they were okay)...I was getting closer to seeing and talking to each of my 150 students. 
• 5ish pm We had ice cream and mama blew out a candle as Rex and E sang Happy Birthday to me. May my boys are getting so big. 
• 6:00pm I got in the tub with some Epsom salts and lavender to relax some. 
• 7:00pm-7:30 started building the boys Lego table that came in the mail as I waited to go pick up the Mexican food I had ordered. 
• P.S. We can now get Alcoholic beverage to-go from restaurants due to the quarantine, so I got a pitcher of margaritas! 
• 7:45 pumped again and then sat down to eat with all of my men. 
• The boys love "chips and dip" and so do I
• 9:00 we brushed teeth and put a movie on for the boys. 
• 9:30 jumped on one last Zoom call of the day and for to see a couple more beautiful faces of loved ones. told jokes and stories, then signed off. 
• 10 something, laid in the playroom with my sweet boys and watch Loon King 2 with them. 
• Rex rubbed my belly as he has done since he was little bitty and E held my hand as we laid together on the futon. 
• 11:15 I sat down to write this and soak up all that was accomplished today and all of the love and emotions that were felt today. It was definitely a day filled with a lot of BIG emotions, so tomorrow will probably bring a lot of couch sitting and Netflix 😆
• 11:59 I finish this and say good night and THANK YOU to every soul I saw today, for loving me and for showing me the love in this world. Thank You for Helping to reminding me that there is HOPE. We are all connected and We are all full of Love. 

Goodnight,
Allison

Big Trees Sway

March 26, 2020

Swaying but Sturdy

Have you ever just sat? Sat and listened to the world around you? Sat and let your mind wonder and reflect? Looked at the world around you and wondered how it was connected to you? Wondered why your soul was so much more at peace when you feel the sun, hear the birds, smell the green, and just see life unfolding in front of you? 

That was me this morning. I spent time just sitting with my coffee and the world around me. Hearing birds chirp and squawk, squirrels fight and dogs bark. Watching birds soar and squirrels jump from tree to tree. Observing how clouds change and disappear as they passed by. Smelling the green of the earth, mud/dirt (because we can't grow grass), and freshly cut trees. Feeling the dirt on my feet and sun on my face and dew on my legs from my seat. But most of all what I observed were the trees. 

They are Tall. They are strong (I know we just cut down 11 and the sound when they fall is like no other). They are flexible and some parts break or snap...but not enough to effect their beauty...not enough to effect their ability to be life and security for the world around them. Even the ones who have fallen still become a source of life for other things around them. They Sway with beauty and Dance in the wind.  

My favorite book growing up was "The Giving Tree" and to this day that is still the case. This morning, I am not only reminded of this story, but also it made me reflect on how the past 29 years have made me like these trees. 

How do Trees Grow?

As my twenties come to a close, I realize how much they have grown me, how much they have changed me, what parts of me are the twigs and which parts are the trunk and roots.

Trees not only grow up, they grow out and down. Meaning, there is more to them than we can see. "Most trees’ roots extend beyond the widest branch tips"---Think about that! The roots extend beyond the WIDEST branch tips...Now, think about people. 

Think about how much more is beneath the surface of those around you. How much we don't know about people and how much they have within them. We all have so many memories, experiences, and events that have shaped who we are and who we grow into as people.  

Two trees can grow in the exact same environment, experience the exact same conditions and events yet EVERY tree is different. The bark, roots, limbs are each shaped and have their own design. They have their own trunks and rings within them, each unique and unable to be replicated or matched. Much like every person in this world. No person is identical to another. No ones feelings, memories, or perspectives are the same. We all have our own unique, flawed, sometimes bumpy but oh so beautiful life. We value all of these trees for their uniqueness and their beauty---shouldn't we be do the same for each other? 

My Personal Roots, Trunk, and Twigs

Roots: 

The roots to my life (and to I would assume most) are my family. These roots have helped me to grow and spread, they have grown deeper and spread out greatly in my 29 years. Some roots have become damaged, some lost, and some stronger than others. We have twisted roots and straight roots, roots that hold more weight than others. I have found that depending on my perspective, my roots are the strength in parts of my family and in other parts, they depend on the roots around them for survival. One root alone cannot hold up the entire being, it can not provide all of the strength or nutrients...it is forced to depend on those around. This lesson has been the hardest for me to learn. Asking for help, delegating, and releasing my anxieties has been an ever changing and ever growing journey.

I have found so many ways that I am strong the past few years and I have found strength in identifying my "weaknesses". I have grown through paths that were dark and twisty. I have been through trauma on a personal and global scale. Like many others, my path was not perfect or forged for me (though I have had ease where others struggled), and like the tree it was not easy to break through to create new paths. I have had parts of my growth that were much easier, I have had parts that have made me understand how fortunate I am to have those around me and my circumstances. We have made it from times of financial, emotional, and physical pains to bliss and beauty. My roots continue to shift, grow spread, and strengthen. My family has grown through new life and strengthened through loss. We have expanded beyond our branches and embraced others as our own and as family. These roots continue to grow, adapt, and strengthen. Roots must be cared for and fed, Roots bust be protected and loved. Roots are the foundation to growth. I am grateful for my roots and for the roots I provide for my children. They have many in their corner and we will continue to instill the values of cherishing these roots throughout their lives. 

Trunk: 

My trunk is my physical/mental being and the internal circling of events and growth. The trunk of a tree is scared, bruised, wider as it ages, and completely unique.  

Did you know that the darker portion of a trees trunk, the most internal core of the tree is called "heart"wood did you also know that portion of the tree is technically dead? Weird huh? How we name something dead after that which keeps us alive? This heartwood, if exposed to air, would cause the decay to happen quickly. Instead, it is protected by layers and layers of history. These layers define the tree, they keep a history of events, some good some bad. Some trees have thicker bark than others...yet they all depend on this bark and these new cells (experiences) to keep the heartwood protected.

As our skin does for our everyday physical well being. Our health and heart are dependent upon our skin and our reactions of events through time for protection. Our skin, every wrinkle and scar tells a story. I was talking with one of my 'more experienced" friends awhile back and she mentioned her wrinkles and complaining about how old she looked. I smiled, and said I embrace those lines (especially the ones she was pointing too--the laughing ones 😏) . Because they tell a story, they tell us we have lived, those lines tell me I have smiled and laughed. We have 2 ways of looking at these things. We can choose to let events or trauma break us and reveal our heartwood, or we can embrace, stay strong, learn, adapt, and keep growing. The continued growth of our minds and spirits help to protect our hearts. WE need to ALL remember that.  

As we cut down some trees I notices that I could identify the trees by their barks and their trunks, but no 2 trees were identical. No two trees had the same spots or circles on their interior. We may "have similar skins" and similar events that revolve around our lives, but none of us have identical histories. Yet we all produce our own beauty and benefit to the world. Each of our stories are valued and needed. We need each other and we need to be understanding, caring and loving to one another and ourselves. One tree is beautiful standing alone, but as I look out off of my deck, the view is much more beautiful as all of the trees dance together in the wind during these crazy and unpredictable times. 

But, the trees don't just look pretty together, they care for each other. I see some trees have broken, yet not fallen because those around it hold it up. Much like people can be broken or hurt at times and require support. While we were cutting trees, we had just one left to go (this one was a tough one)...what made it more difficult, was that the tree beside it refused to let it fall. One strong limb of this tree held onto the entire weight of the tree we had cut. We had to push, shove, pull and eventually the tree fell...but not before breaking the limb of the tree that was providing support.

This made me really think about how supporting each other and caring for each other is important, but oh so often, many of us do it to the point that we break. I know I tend to do this and have been doing it my entire life. I am full of empathy, a helper, a healer, and a teacher. I tend to "do too much" for others and not enough for myself. Over the past 10 years, I have learned this about myself. I have also learned to set boundaries, have the hard talks, make hard decisions about trust, and learned to say no when I need (yes I still slip up often...but as stated before I continue to grow). In just the past few years, I have made this area of life one to work on. A friend of mine (thanks Megan) introduced me to Brene Brown and her stories/research hit my heart in all the right places that I needed at this time in my life...so I did what I do best, learn. I started reading, practicing, and exploring my own mind and spirit. I'll leave you with this one image that I have found helpful from her readings in terms of self care...an acronym. 

 

Twigs:

The twigs and branches are what we notice first about trees. We see the beauty that they bring in the changing seasons as well as the fruit and bounty they provide. We watch them slowly grow through time. Sometimes they break, sometimes they sway, and sometimes they become a safe haven for another. I read a line while doing some tree research that said this: "Until you understand the differences, all branches look pretty much alike. But the differences between forks, true branches, and epicormic sprouts (sometimes called "suckers") are profound and important. Knowing them could save your tree, your house, or your life." WOW---who knew trees could have so much meaning and bring so much perspective to ones mind (PS. I promise, I'm almost done). 

My branches have become full and bountiful through the years. I have had times when they were scarce as a dogwood in the winter, and I have had times where they are full bloom and filled with new life and opportunities. Every year brings on new branches, sometimes true branching occurs and sometimes forks and sprouts"suckers" occur. True branching occurs from the buds. this is branching that has lead to my own family and beauty. This is branching that defines us, strengthens us, and shows the world how fierce we truly are. These branches continue to help me grow as a person, mother, wife, friend, and teacher. 

Forks occur in my life often daily, as forks in a tree are observable and real. I have to make more decisions in my life now than I have ever had to and that takes a toll on you. Some of these forks lead to a new budding branch and some of them break. Some are stronger than others, but all have built me into the person I am and the person I will be. Will I always choose the right path or make the right decision, heck no....will I still be okay and will my family/friends still be okay when I make mistakes and choose the wrong direction? Absolutely. Because looking out the window and seeing the beauty and power that these trees possess is profound, as we all are profound in our own unique ways. 

Then that leaves us (haha leaves 😂) with the "suckers". Oh do we all have those in our lives, they are the thoughts and the societal "you should be ____s". Suckers are superficial parts of growth that at times look perfect and beautiful, but are actually weak, uncontrollable, and increase the distress response. These are parts of our lives that bring up the I "Should", "Could", and "Woulds" of comparing ourselves to others. They are the things that social media, news outlets, and commercials (though starting to get better) have us comparing our lives to. These are things we read like "how to be the perfect mom/teacher/wife/ (insert title here)" created to "help" but in turn just turn into (as Brene Brown would say) shame triggers. Sending us into a well of unworthiness, feelings of defeat, and sadness. These are the branches we need the most help to identify, because they threaten our well being and our life. They threaten our family, home, and friendships. When you learn to identify these suckers (we all have them) we can truly appreciate and care for the true branches in our lives. 

Today is the last day of my twenties and I release it with love, growth, and optimism for what the next few decades bring. The roaring twenties were just that, full of so many roaring events from births, deaths, moves, relationships formed and lost, career changes and family relationships strengthened. I appreciate every day that I have, I see the beauty and the darkness. I see the growth and potential of light darkness. I rise as a tree in the forest and I dance/sway with those I love. I will support you as well as myself. I will choose so many paths and hit obstacles, but I will persevere and grow.

Never Stop Growing.
Never Stop Learning.
Never Stop Caring.

Be true to yourself, and when your not- recognize it and redirect. Above all, Love yourself, Love others, and Love the Earth you belong to...we are very small in a Universe of unknown.
Remember: We Are All Connected---through the most difficult times, just remember that...you. are. not. alone.
You are strong, your life is unique, and your experiences create opportunities for strength. Be a Tree!

 

With Love,

Just another tree in this forest of Life
♥️Mueller♥️

In Case you want to do some research on trees:
https://www.sactree.com/assets/files/greenprint/toolkit/c/huntsvilleTreeGuide.pdf
https://www.britannica.com/science/heartwood
http://www.dof.virginia.gov/infopubs/_forest-facts/FF-How-A-Tree-Grows_pub.pdf
https://www.theforestacademy.com/tree-knowledge/annual-growth-rings/#.Xn1HRYhKjIV 

Dark and Twisty

March 22, 2020

The Dark and Twisty times we are in...

 

So many things these past few weeks have pushed me to sit back down and just write, I want to just let go of the many things going through my head and my heart because yesterday was a difficult day for my emotions. We are in the midst of a pandemic, uncharted territory for the current world, full of worry, fear, uncertainty, and with those things...people act differently. It is just science and society, we are being forced by the unknown to somehow protect ourselves and the ones that we love. We are all in a place that we have never been and that brings up the need for me to release some of that is going through my head. Honestly, I am just running out of head space for all of the things in my head and need to Release.

This is just the start...I plan to continue to write throughout this time, and hopefully Release some of my fears, faults, and follies. I want to embrace my vulnerability and help heal some parts of me that have been confused and in pain. (as I typed that I almost erased the word pain, because it didn't feel fair of me to call what's going on in my brain pain, because I constantly compare and devalue what I am feeling because I know so many have things more difficult and truly painful...but I didn't, I will leave it, because it is what I feel and to ignore that or not "name it" for what it is would not be authentic). 

                               

So, for today, I will just say this. I have had some major dark and twisty feelings and moments, I have done my best to be a good mama, wife, friend, and teacher through all of these things and times, but some days...like yesterday, I just had tears. Tears for so many reasons...for my kids, for myself, for the world, for my students, for loss of so many everyday "normal" things that aren't normal, and for the simple fact that I am also very hormonal (post surrogacy). 

Anyways, I finished an episode of Grey's the other day and that's why this reference is here...at the end of the episode the new hottie doctor said "Yang said she had a twisted sister" and it completely caught me off guard, because I could finally put what I was feeling into an explanation. I know that things are so dark right now and that times are tough for so many people, and they will continue to get darker in certain ways. I also know that we/I will get through this. I/we will come out on the other side of all of the emotions and feelings stronger and braver. 

I/we will have pain. I/we will have feelings of anxiety and stress. I will continue to have moments in each day that I simply tear up...because trauma is real. We are all going through trauma right now and there is no comparison scale when it comes to trauma. I try to always do that though, I try to always discredit how I or even my kids (unintentionally) are feeling because "we should be grateful for what we have and where we are"...but then I stop myself (sometimes usually hours later) and remind myself that what I am feeling is still important and I should not hide or discredit it. I can respect others and their feelings and still have my own feelings. I can understand that I am privileged more so than others, but I can also be empathetic and understanding. I can be grateful and still have emotions that throw me off balance. I can have my feelings of fear, stress, anxiety, and still know that there are people out there who do have it worse...but discrediting my (and my kids) feelings does not solve anything, nor does it help anyone. However, owning the emotions, naming them, feeling them and moving through them does. This is something I am working on and something I will continue to work on for my whole life not just for myself but for my kids. 

I want my kids to be able to be vulnerable and see it as a strength. I want them to feel their emotions, identify them, and work through them when needed. I want to do this for them because this world is forever getting more confusing and treacherous, but it is also becoming more beautiful and engaging. I want this for them, so that means I need to be their example. Tim and I both do, we need to be the example for our kids that imperfection IS perfection. So, I write...I write so that one day they can read and I write for simply the joy of it. 

  

Things to come that I need to write about: 

1. Identifying FFTs (Fn First Times...and no not what you are thinking) of the past year and really dig into them. 

2. Growth in our parenting journey/relationship 

3. My heartache with the school situations as a teacher

4. Gratitude and Grief

5. Post Surrogacy Pregnancy and what that has felt like 

....I'm sure I will have more things that pop up on these days where we are "stuck" (oh that's one...this pandemic and my feelings) but that a good starting list for now. 

I said I wanted to journal through this interesting time for my kids, but as I sit here finishing up...I definitely needed this for myself. Documenting this interesting position our world is in seemed to be something I "should" do, but as I sat down to write I realized, I don't want to get stuck on the numbers, deaths, tragedy, I want to just type what comes to mind and what is on my mind, so that one day when they are able to read, they can see that mama is human and mama has feelings similar to theirs.So instead of focusing on those things right now, I wanted to focus on the things that I think can connect us as people, even when we can't " be connected". So here I am sharing my heart and my feelings through this pandemic. 

Usually I write and just keep it to myself. But today, I asked my 8th grade nephew and niece to journal for 15 minutes a day to keep their writing up and to also simply express themselves and how they are feeling through this time of uneasiness. I also want them to keep their minds on some school related things, because they have absolutely no lessons/work to complete from their county, due to the abrupt need to close do to this pandemic. I feel like it is something I can at least help with, because I am a darn 8th grade teacher, so their Gatorbug is making them some "lessons", in case we end up completely missing the end of their school year. I hope that is not the case, but I want them to feel more confident instead of uneasy as they go into their HS year, and if I can help with that even a little...I want to. So in spirit of asking them to journal and also thinking that writing and reading connect people, I am publishing at least a few of my writings as we go through this in hopes to stay connected even though we are all being asked to stay apart. 

Until next time... 💓

Ps. If you can't tell, I have been reading my Brene Books 😉, Gosh I love her...She is my spirit animal and does research that I have literally thought about since I took world religion, sociology, and child psychology all in one year while in college.