Dark and Twisty

March 22, 2020

The Dark and Twisty times we are in...

 

So many things these past few weeks have pushed me to sit back down and just write, I want to just let go of the many things going through my head and my heart because yesterday was a difficult day for my emotions. We are in the midst of a pandemic, uncharted territory for the current world, full of worry, fear, uncertainty, and with those things...people act differently. It is just science and society, we are being forced by the unknown to somehow protect ourselves and the ones that we love. We are all in a place that we have never been and that brings up the need for me to release some of that is going through my head. Honestly, I am just running out of head space for all of the things in my head and need to Release.

This is just the start...I plan to continue to write throughout this time, and hopefully Release some of my fears, faults, and follies. I want to embrace my vulnerability and help heal some parts of me that have been confused and in pain. (as I typed that I almost erased the word pain, because it didn't feel fair of me to call what's going on in my brain pain, because I constantly compare and devalue what I am feeling because I know so many have things more difficult and truly painful...but I didn't, I will leave it, because it is what I feel and to ignore that or not "name it" for what it is would not be authentic). 

                               

So, for today, I will just say this. I have had some major dark and twisty feelings and moments, I have done my best to be a good mama, wife, friend, and teacher through all of these things and times, but some days...like yesterday, I just had tears. Tears for so many reasons...for my kids, for myself, for the world, for my students, for loss of so many everyday "normal" things that aren't normal, and for the simple fact that I am also very hormonal (post surrogacy). 

Anyways, I finished an episode of Grey's the other day and that's why this reference is here...at the end of the episode the new hottie doctor said "Yang said she had a twisted sister" and it completely caught me off guard, because I could finally put what I was feeling into an explanation. I know that things are so dark right now and that times are tough for so many people, and they will continue to get darker in certain ways. I also know that we/I will get through this. I/we will come out on the other side of all of the emotions and feelings stronger and braver. 

I/we will have pain. I/we will have feelings of anxiety and stress. I will continue to have moments in each day that I simply tear up...because trauma is real. We are all going through trauma right now and there is no comparison scale when it comes to trauma. I try to always do that though, I try to always discredit how I or even my kids (unintentionally) are feeling because "we should be grateful for what we have and where we are"...but then I stop myself (sometimes usually hours later) and remind myself that what I am feeling is still important and I should not hide or discredit it. I can respect others and their feelings and still have my own feelings. I can understand that I am privileged more so than others, but I can also be empathetic and understanding. I can be grateful and still have emotions that throw me off balance. I can have my feelings of fear, stress, anxiety, and still know that there are people out there who do have it worse...but discrediting my (and my kids) feelings does not solve anything, nor does it help anyone. However, owning the emotions, naming them, feeling them and moving through them does. This is something I am working on and something I will continue to work on for my whole life not just for myself but for my kids. 

I want my kids to be able to be vulnerable and see it as a strength. I want them to feel their emotions, identify them, and work through them when needed. I want to do this for them because this world is forever getting more confusing and treacherous, but it is also becoming more beautiful and engaging. I want this for them, so that means I need to be their example. Tim and I both do, we need to be the example for our kids that imperfection IS perfection. So, I write...I write so that one day they can read and I write for simply the joy of it. 

  

Things to come that I need to write about: 

1. Identifying FFTs (Fn First Times...and no not what you are thinking) of the past year and really dig into them. 

2. Growth in our parenting journey/relationship 

3. My heartache with the school situations as a teacher

4. Gratitude and Grief

5. Post Surrogacy Pregnancy and what that has felt like 

....I'm sure I will have more things that pop up on these days where we are "stuck" (oh that's one...this pandemic and my feelings) but that a good starting list for now. 

I said I wanted to journal through this interesting time for my kids, but as I sit here finishing up...I definitely needed this for myself. Documenting this interesting position our world is in seemed to be something I "should" do, but as I sat down to write I realized, I don't want to get stuck on the numbers, deaths, tragedy, I want to just type what comes to mind and what is on my mind, so that one day when they are able to read, they can see that mama is human and mama has feelings similar to theirs.So instead of focusing on those things right now, I wanted to focus on the things that I think can connect us as people, even when we can't " be connected". So here I am sharing my heart and my feelings through this pandemic. 

Usually I write and just keep it to myself. But today, I asked my 8th grade nephew and niece to journal for 15 minutes a day to keep their writing up and to also simply express themselves and how they are feeling through this time of uneasiness. I also want them to keep their minds on some school related things, because they have absolutely no lessons/work to complete from their county, due to the abrupt need to close do to this pandemic. I feel like it is something I can at least help with, because I am a darn 8th grade teacher, so their Gatorbug is making them some "lessons", in case we end up completely missing the end of their school year. I hope that is not the case, but I want them to feel more confident instead of uneasy as they go into their HS year, and if I can help with that even a little...I want to. So in spirit of asking them to journal and also thinking that writing and reading connect people, I am publishing at least a few of my writings as we go through this in hopes to stay connected even though we are all being asked to stay apart. 

Until next time... 💓

Ps. If you can't tell, I have been reading my Brene Books 😉, Gosh I love her...She is my spirit animal and does research that I have literally thought about since I took world religion, sociology, and child psychology all in one year while in college.