Fall and Falling Apart

October 1, 2024 

We have entered Fall and October is ALWAYS my sign that things are ready to change. It is my external sign that allows me to know we are into the last leg of the year. THIS is my favorite time of year because it reminds me that letting go and change can be so beautiful and healing. This is the time of year that my soul heals from everything it has endured. 

I know that it is not that way for everyone, but man do I appreciate it. I was talking to a couple of friends yesterday, who are going through a hard time, and I made a couple of comments/analogies that just hit me in the feels so I wanted to make sure to save them for whenever my busy self has time to actually write this book I plan to write...if for no other reason then to help myself heal. 

Falling Apart and Fall: 

We are not meant to be perfect. We are meant to mess up, fall down, and get back up. Nothing in this life has it easy. Every single living organism on this Earth struggles to survive. It is a major part of natural law. Nothing in this life is easy and sometimes the most beautiful things/people come from the hardest most difficult situations. Hell, think about flowers, we quite literally throw shit on them and they grow through the darkness, pressure, and shit into these beautiful things that we then admire. I have survived, learned, and grown from some awful situations throughout these 34 years of life and when I look back and really list them, I have to be like DAMN---I made it through that? So surely I can make it through This? 

Things that happened for me (not to me, because each of these good/bad and ugly moments created me), that have made me into the beautiful broken soul I am today include: family trauma and struggles, house fires, rape, helping my sissy care for her beautiful newborn through my last years of high school, being a caretaker from a young age for my beautiful Bubba who had diabetes, Downs Syndrome, and then watching Alzheimer's change him completely, abusive (Physical and emotional) relationships, excessive drinking and destructive decisions, postpartum depression, fostering a child who was abused and helping her heal wounds she should have never endured, sick and hospitalized kids, IVF and surrogacy, self harm, helping friends find help with eating disorders and self harm, being there for friends/students with suicidal intentions, depression (constant battle),  9/11/01, flood May 2010, Covid and teaching 2020, births of 3 children, miscarriages of 3, arguments, frustrations, deaths of loved ones, deaths of pets, joys of parenting, fears and worries of parenting, grieved friendships, celebrated new ones, moved houses, vacationed/traveled so many places, sicknesses, hikes, 5Ks, weight gain and weight loss, graduations of myself, Tim, nieces and nephews, and career changes. There are many more, but those are just a few things in this short 34 swirls around the sun that I could think of off the top of my head that helped to shape me.

Anyway, like I said above, each of those things has shaped me into the human that I am today, and I believe I and a great human. I have no regrets or resentments. have forgiven for myself. 

I have Flaws and Failures but also Wins and Wonders. This life is not easy for anyone, and we each have our own stories to tell...but don't let your story stop, keep moving forward. Keep being strong, ask for help, seek love and understanding, forgive, and fall from the ties of anger, frustrations, and fears. 

January 4, 2025 1:30 am...this post has stayed unpublished for several months because I was fearful, but now I release that too. 

Good, Bad, and Beautiful...

 March 8, 2024

Wow, this morning was already a whirl-wind and a slap in the face to the realization that sometimes our expectations of reality and reality itself are never going to be the same. 

My Expectation for the morning: 

    Rex asked if we could do a family breakfast before school. Usually Mom and dad don't eat breakfast, and the boys eat cereal or a bar or something easy. So I had planned to go workout then rush home and make breakfast. Have Pancakes, waffles, eggs, and bacon all ready for us to eat together and enjoy some time as a family before school started as requested by the littles. 

The Reality: 

    I went to work out and got home just in time to start making breakfast. Went to wake E up and he asked for more time, so I gave him until 6. He woke up and threw a HUGE fir for 20min because I told him he couldn't wear any costume to school, it was superhero themed day and if he wanted to wear a costume then it had to be a superhero. He disagreed and argued. I lost my cool, Tim lost his cool, none of us were happy and we were all yelling and upset while I was still cooking breakfast. At the moment I said these words to E, I realized that I was making things worse " Way to ruin the entire morning E, now none of us are are going to have a good morning". I wish the words didn't come out and I later apologized but man was I upset, felt unseen and under appreciated. in my head this is what was going on... Here I was rushing to make a breakfast and meet expectations I had set for the morning and here he was throwing a fit over something dumb and man he should just be glad he has clothes to wear because so many kids don't. 

 Gosh, looking back I know I made things worse, and so did the hubby he was also escalated and not speaking reasonably. ?It was not until I stopped and took a minute to sit and talk to him, on his level, and truly listen to him that he calmed down. Threats, yelling, spankings, etc. do not work when a kid is so escalated that he can not reason. So we went and sat for a few minutes and truly talked and breathed with him and we came to the conclusion of wearing a Green Lantern shirt, washing the tears off, and taking some breaths to go sit down and enjoy breakfast as a family before daddy had to leave. 

Now I haven't even hit what happened with Rex, he ended up dropping an entire waffle on his lap and threw a huge fit. Screamed, hit the plate, said "I HATE this PLATE", and started crying. Tim and I both told him to "Stop the attitude and crying and just go change, that it's not a big deal" Well hell, to him it was a big deal to him and as parents if we just had taken a minute to validate his feelings, the fit would have been avoided all together. We are constantly learning how to parent and none of it is easy. We struggle daily to calm our own demons and expectations, and will keep working.