Fall and Falling Apart

October 1, 2024 

We have entered Fall and October is ALWAYS my sign that things are ready to change. It is my external sign that allows me to know we are into the last leg of the year. THIS is my favorite time of year because it reminds me that letting go and change can be so beautiful and healing. This is the time of year that my soul heals from everything it has endured. 

I know that it is not that way for everyone, but man do I appreciate it. I was talking to a couple of friends yesterday, who are going through a hard time, and I made a couple of comments/analogies that just hit me in the feels so I wanted to make sure to save them for whenever my busy self has time to actually write this book I plan to write...if for no other reason then to help myself heal. 

Falling Apart and Fall: 

We are not meant to be perfect. We are meant to mess up, fall down, and get back up. Nothing in this life has it easy. Every single living organism on this Earth struggles to survive. It is a major part of natural law. Nothing in this life is easy and sometimes the most beautiful things/people come from the hardest most difficult situations. Hell, think about flowers, we quite literally throw shit on them and they grow through the darkness, pressure, and shit into these beautiful things that we then admire. I have survived, learned, and grown from some awful situations throughout these 34 years of life and when I look back and really list them, I have to be like DAMN---I made it through that? So surely I can make it through This? 

Things that happened for me (not to me, because each of these good/bad and ugly moments created me), that have made me into the beautiful broken soul I am today include: family trauma and struggles, house fires, rape, helping my sissy care for her beautiful newborn through my last years of high school, being a caretaker from a young age for my beautiful Bubba who had diabetes, Downs Syndrome, and then watching Alzheimer's change him completely, abusive (Physical and emotional) relationships, excessive drinking and destructive decisions, postpartum depression, fostering a child who was abused and helping her heal wounds she should have never endured, sick and hospitalized kids, IVF and surrogacy, self harm, helping friends find help with eating disorders and self harm, being there for friends/students with suicidal intentions, depression (constant battle),  9/11/01, flood May 2010, Covid and teaching 2020, births of 3 children, miscarriages of 3, arguments, frustrations, deaths of loved ones, deaths of pets, joys of parenting, fears and worries of parenting, grieved friendships, celebrated new ones, moved houses, vacationed/traveled so many places, sicknesses, hikes, 5Ks, weight gain and weight loss, graduations of myself, Tim, nieces and nephews, and career changes. There are many more, but those are just a few things in this short 34 swirls around the sun that I could think of off the top of my head that helped to shape me.

Anyway, like I said above, each of those things has shaped me into the human that I am today, and I believe I and a great human. I have no regrets or resentments. have forgiven for myself. 

I have Flaws and Failures but also Wins and Wonders. This life is not easy for anyone, and we each have our own stories to tell...but don't let your story stop, keep moving forward. Keep being strong, ask for help, seek love and understanding, forgive, and fall from the ties of anger, frustrations, and fears. 

January 4, 2025 1:30 am...this post has stayed unpublished for several months because I was fearful, but now I release that too. 

Good, Bad, and Beautiful...

 March 8, 2024

Wow, this morning was already a whirl-wind and a slap in the face to the realization that sometimes our expectations of reality and reality itself are never going to be the same. 

My Expectation for the morning: 

    Rex asked if we could do a family breakfast before school. Usually Mom and dad don't eat breakfast, and the boys eat cereal or a bar or something easy. So I had planned to go workout then rush home and make breakfast. Have Pancakes, waffles, eggs, and bacon all ready for us to eat together and enjoy some time as a family before school started as requested by the littles. 

The Reality: 

    I went to work out and got home just in time to start making breakfast. Went to wake E up and he asked for more time, so I gave him until 6. He woke up and threw a HUGE fir for 20min because I told him he couldn't wear any costume to school, it was superhero themed day and if he wanted to wear a costume then it had to be a superhero. He disagreed and argued. I lost my cool, Tim lost his cool, none of us were happy and we were all yelling and upset while I was still cooking breakfast. At the moment I said these words to E, I realized that I was making things worse " Way to ruin the entire morning E, now none of us are are going to have a good morning". I wish the words didn't come out and I later apologized but man was I upset, felt unseen and under appreciated. in my head this is what was going on... Here I was rushing to make a breakfast and meet expectations I had set for the morning and here he was throwing a fit over something dumb and man he should just be glad he has clothes to wear because so many kids don't. 

 Gosh, looking back I know I made things worse, and so did the hubby he was also escalated and not speaking reasonably. ?It was not until I stopped and took a minute to sit and talk to him, on his level, and truly listen to him that he calmed down. Threats, yelling, spankings, etc. do not work when a kid is so escalated that he can not reason. So we went and sat for a few minutes and truly talked and breathed with him and we came to the conclusion of wearing a Green Lantern shirt, washing the tears off, and taking some breaths to go sit down and enjoy breakfast as a family before daddy had to leave. 

Now I haven't even hit what happened with Rex, he ended up dropping an entire waffle on his lap and threw a huge fit. Screamed, hit the plate, said "I HATE this PLATE", and started crying. Tim and I both told him to "Stop the attitude and crying and just go change, that it's not a big deal" Well hell, to him it was a big deal to him and as parents if we just had taken a minute to validate his feelings, the fit would have been avoided all together. We are constantly learning how to parent and none of it is easy. We struggle daily to calm our own demons and expectations, and will keep working. 

Hairy Situations

September 2023

The Month that flew by faster than light. 

One day this month, I was going to check on the boys in the bathtub and I found big globs of hair in the tub. Both boys said " I don't know what happened"...then I found the razor. They had taken my cheap-o dollar store raiser and SHAVED each others hair. 

E said he shaved parts of his legs and Rs and they both admitted to shaving each others hairs on their head! Lesson Learned: Don't leave your razor in the tub. They WILL find a way to play with anything you leave around. 

PS. I am so grateful they did not cut themselves or each other, or man, would this story have been less entertaining. 

 

No idea what date this pic is from, but they are so cute. 

Whirl-Wind

Originally written 12/8/2022

There is no other way to explain today, other than Whirl-Wind- a column of air moving rapidly around and around in a cylindrical or funnel shape. The last full moon of 2022 sure did know how to turn our world upside-down. 

At roughly 7am this morning, my principal shared an email that we had a student who entered foster care and needed a temporary placement. Tim and I have been talking about it many times this year, for different reasons, and this this just felt like another thing pushing us to make the change and accept what we always knew would happen in the future (just happened 2+ years sooner than we expected. I sent a screen-shot of the email to Tim and he basically said yes, without any extra details or information. Gosh, I love this man with my whole heart and soul. If there was ever a question whether soul-mates exist...I believe we are the perfect example that they do. Anyway, once I got to school, I immediately went to our counselor and shared the news that we would take the student. At that time, I was not sure of who it was or anything...then we discussed who and she sent my information to the DCS caseworker. 

Our lives changed forever after those moments. 

We got calls, I got on meetings with DCS, CPS, Case-workers, Guardian etc. We got background information on this poor girl. Short story- possible sex trafficking, assault, product of rape, attempted suicide, and so much more trauma. However, I am choosing to see the beauty behind this soul who was forced to grow up too quick- she loves the color blue, she has a huge heart for her siblings (2 older brothers and a younger sister), she wants to help always, and she is just a 12 year old girl who has never been able to just be a kid. So our hope is that we have the ability to give her that and that the push back is not too much. 

Currently, there is a stay-away order with all family and she really has not been told the extent of it. So we will have that to unpack as we go. 

We thought that she would be coming to stay with us on Monday or this Weekend, but the DCS caseworker brought her today, so we had no time to get her room in order or get the rest of the house "safe" to the fullest extent. So I pray and a beg the universe to let her just rest tonight, let her push out the worries and fears, let her close her eyes and feel comfortable enough to sleep. Please do not let thought of leaving this home or this earth enter her brain tonight or any other night/day. 

Back to the timeline of events- by 9 I had talked to social worker, given all of our contact info and info for background checks, and been in a meeting about her care. At 11, I left everything at school ( I hadn't even unpacked my lunchbox yet) and had to drive home for our home check to see if we had a 'fit' home. We have a few things that need to be changed- locks on cabinets/fridge and medicines put away...but over-all, We sat at our table the next 3 hours and filled out paperwork and finished everything we needed to and before 2pm, this sweet girl was in our home. We immediately started letting her unpack and see what we needed to get from the store. We started tearing apart the workout room/office and transforming it into a bedroom for her. Took all of the things off the walls and put up things that she wanted. She kept the sports and put up some watercolors I had painted. We left to go get E at about 230 and to go shopping a little. 

Side note for boys- Gosh I am so proud of them. Rexton had much more warning as he was home with Tim and here when she arrived at the house. Tim got to talk to him and communicate with him about it all, poor E had to find out when we picked him up from school, SO CONFUSED. We explained that she is going to join our family for a bit and that she just needed a safe warm home with love in it to stay, so that's what we are doing. When we did our daily emotions tonight, I shed a few tears because usually we do " happy, sad, angry, frustrated, and super happy"  but they both asked to add "confused" to the list tonight and said they were confused about all of the things and the why. I am so blessed but also worried about them and I just hope that we didn't do anything to hurt them in the long run and that they see that we just have the Love to give, so why not give it to someone who needs it. 

Okay, back to timeline- We picked up Everett and then headed to target, We grabbed a Starbucks and then shopped. She picked out some new sheets, pillows, art supplies, nike tennis shoes, snacks, art supplies, and a little wall decoration (a LV basketball picture) Blue is her favorite color and she likes spicy chips. Overall, it was about 265 dollars that we spent today in hopes to have her feel more comfortable. 

We then went to eat at the local Mexican restaurant and she laughed and talked. Our neighbor who previously helped me to clean up the room by taking our weight set to his house came and ate with us. He also brough over some hangers because I forgot to buy those when we were out. We have had many reach out to see what we need help with an honestly, I can't answer, because I do not know. 

I sit here at midnight, waiting and hoping to hear her just go to sleep---but as I type that, how dumb am I...you can't hear someone go to sleep. ha. well I think that is the stress and anxiety talking now, so I will try my best to turn over and rest. Tomorrow is a new day with it's own set of challenges. We will get through this, she will be safe and loved (God/Gods/Mother Earth, PLEASE LET her feel safe and loved. Please don't tempt her with leaving or harming herself. She has so much to look forward to in this life and our hope is she is on a positive swing. 

With a hopeful and grateful heart,

Goodnight

Friendship

July 22, 2021

Something that changes through the years is friendship. What it looked like as a kid, a teen, in adulthood, and in motherhood. It all has it's great parts. 

The friendships and needs for our bodies though change as we learn and grow. For example, friendship as a mother...some of the greatest moments of friendship are the ones where you are screaming like a banshee at your dogs while you are elbow deep in a toilet bowl and not realizing your neighbors are on the porch. Then the sweet neighbor, without judgement, offers to take your children to have a water balloon fight and gives you just a few minutes of peace to get some things done that you have been neglecting and that your over filled brain choose to do at the most inopportune moments. 

Then there is the friendship of your partner and man is this one a biggie. There are times when the people around you just KNOW what you need. Sometimes it is a hug, sometimes it is a cup of yummy coffee, sometimes it is a water balloon to the chest to make you laugh. 

The trick in this life is to just continue seeing these moments. They are small and mighty. Sometimes we get lost in expectations of the BIG moments that we forget to simply cherish the smaller moments. 

Fuck, I can't keep my brain focused, I have this training to do tomorrow and as much as I wanted to be 100 percent prepared, I realize that there is no way for me to be 100% and it sucks. But hey, that is life. I don't want to go to bed, but I know that I need to it is 1 am and my brain apparently can't slow down enough to focus on things. So many things to write...and so many ideas in my head. I know one day this may get easier, but dang this is hard.

January 25, 2025 

HMMM...look, another unfinished thought because of a distracted brain. 

Education is powerful

September 2020

My mind has done nothing but wonder the past month. I have so many words, feelings, emotions, pains in my head and heart...that articulating them is difficult. We were not raised as a generation to do the mind work. We were not raised on the importance of social emotional awareness...which makes everything a bit harder when speaking your voice.

With so many loved ones sharing conflicting thoughts, pain, and priorities...I just want to take some time to process myself and to think within myself. Starting off by saying, I love the safety and the lack of fear I have right now sitting outside to write this...listening to the birds tweet and the dogs bark, I am grateful for this privilege that I have and the freedom to be educated enough to simply be able to type my words. 

I am so beyond grateful for the life that we live and the things surrounding us that give us the ability to be prosperous. I am grateful for the family that raised me and showed me examples of things like: respect, kindness, hope, fear, hard time, good time, strength, courage, love, patience, persistence, and so much more.

I spend a lot of time asking myself and the world "Why", "How", "What If"...I have always been this way. I am inquisitive and sometimes it is to a fault. Sometimes I get so stuck in the questions---that they overcome my thoughts and my whole mind. I have a lot of those questions right now in regards to our soon to be 'return' to school. So much so that they have caused me a tremendous amount of anxiety and I can tell it is effecting me physically, not just emotionally. (back to this in a minute)

However, through all of this...there are moments that I just embrace and love. I have been at home for nearly 6 months with my boys, everyday. It has been challenging and rewarding. We have had great days and not so great ones. BUT, we end each night with identifying our big emotions of the day, I ask them each night, "What was you happy part, sad part, angry part, and frustrated part?". nearly every night our boys choose a random moment that I may have let slip past as their favorite parts, and it reminds me to slow down and truly see and feel what this time with them is, precious.

Here are some of their responses:
My happy part was...
"when you laid down with me in the grass and looked at the clouds",
"when daddy played wrestlin with me",
"When I got to give you belly rubs",
"When we went to the neighbors and you pushed me on the swing",
"when you played the game with me"
"When you gave me special kisses"
"When we floated on our backs together in the pool"
"When you gave me cuddles"
and they go on and on and on with this every night----6/7 nights they choose a tiny moment in a day that happened with me. Many nights Rex will say "My happy part was you mama-just everything" and my heart just melts as I kiss him goodnight. I am so very grateful for these moments and these times we have spent together, educating and learning together how to understand our emotions better.

Back to education and questioning the world. Someone told me the other day "I remember even as a kid, you would just keep pressing on something and asking But Why" and I never really thought in depth about how much I do question things until I reflected on some moments Here are times I just couldn't stop until I knew:

1. Where does the trash in NY go? (Jersey)
2. What is the leading cause of death of children in the US/World? (US-Vehicle accidents/firearm incidents World
3. How do certain chemicals effect our body systems? (so many ways save for another post)
4. Who were the original people on our land? (Cherokee) 
5. How long does it take plastic to degrade? (depends of thickness and type)
6. What is trauma, and how does it effect us physically and emotionally? (save for another post)
7. Where does the spider go at night? (depends on spider, some weave, some sleep)
8. What do mosquitoes do for  the world? (not crap)
9. Why does McDonald's coke taste better? (the carbonation is trademarked and the straws are special)
10. Were their mortgage stops in other countries during the pandemic? (yes0
11. Where does the word Sassy come from?
12. How do light waves effect body tissue? (different frequencies do different things)
13. Why are some dogs so persistent about getting under the covers? (safety)

Never stop questioning things, you learn a lot by being inquisitive. 

A World in Pain

May 29, 2020

Our world is hurting. 

Pandemic. 
Injustice.
Hate.
Violence. 
Environmental concerns.
Starvation.
to name a few.

Today, I sit and write, not for anyone but myself. I have no idea how to even start what I want to say...but I figure, the first step was to open my computer with a cup of coffee and just write. So stay with me or don't...but here it goes. 

Our world is hurting. Our families and friends are fighting. Our protectors and citizens are broken and fearful. Our hearts are stuck in shame, fear, and generalizations.  

So, after weeks of seeing various statements, comments, posts, etc. I need to address something. I need to own that what I have is a privilege and I need my boys to understand that there are people in this world who had NO CHOICE to the life they were brought into. 
(This is where some people will leave, but I hope you don't...just stay with me)

Let's Start with the definition of a word: 

Privilege: a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group.

Acknowledging  privilege does not mean your life was easy. It does not mean that you did not fight  and work hard for the life you have. It does not mean that you think of yourself as superior...it does however give insight into the lives of others and the things in your life that you had to aide you in your survival and growth as a human, that others may not have had. 

I have privileges that others do not. And if you are reading this, You do too. 

I do not apologize for them or want others to apologize, but it is important to recognize and own the things in our life that are a privileges and acknowledge and respect that there are those who DO NOT get or have these privileges. It is our jobs as parents, and hell, human beings to 'love thy neighbor' and to teach our kids to appreciate their privileges and lead them to understanding there are others who do not have these privileges. That they need to work to make all lives better by using and understanding their own privileges. They need to fight when they see something unjust. They need to love all and be kind, even when it is hard. They need to stick up for those that can't do it for themselves. They need to respect, appreciate, and fight for ALL life. The only way that anything will change in this world is if we all DO THE HARD WORK to acknowledge these things about ourselves and our world. Only once we acknowledge these things, can we work on the world outside of our self. 

So today, I choose to work on self and identify my privilege and then, I can work on the pain of others not given these privileges. 

My kids and I had the privilege of being born into a family (more on that in a min) in a country (with flaws) that has a life expectancy of 75, one of the lowest multidimensional poverty rates in the world, and has an education expectation average of 16 years...instead of being born in Niger, for example, where the poverty rate is over 90% and educational expectations are 6 years. (http://hdr.undp.org/en/countries).

I did not choose to be born here nor did those in other countries choose their birth places. It is a privilege that I and my sons have--and I ache for those who fight for this privilege and are met with hate and fear. Where boarders are filled with pain, death, and tears. Families are torn apart, ridiculed, and felt unworthy by others who hide behind their 'rights'---again...It was not my right to be born here, nor was it my children's...it is a privilege that I have to own and understand. Because, until I do, and until others do, we will continue to fill the world with pain. We Don't Choose Where we are born---so how can we continue to treat others in inhumane ways, simply because they were not given the privileges that we were from birth.

My kids were born into a VERY large and loving family. They are males, have 2 white parents, 1 male 1 female. I do not have fears of them being bullied or persecuted for their sex, color of their skin or their parent's choices of who they loved. This is privilege. I had the privilege of being brought up in a semi-more diverse community. I had friends of all ethnicity, I went to a school with diversity and cultural celebrations from various countries. I also went to a school where guns and gangs were a norm. Where my boyfriend sold guns to various gang members. Where my body was grabbed in ways it shouldn't and where I had to make friend connections to feel secure at times, but I was still very privileged, because I got to go home to a safe and loving home each night. 

My kids do not have a school or community to get these experiences, which is a positive and a negative...so I have to work harder to teach them about different cultures, ethnicity, and explain POC to my very white children. My niece is also being raised in this same community. She is darker skinned with beautiful Native American blood and skin, dark hair and eyes, she has had to endure hateful and racist comments from peers and her community. My surrobaby is Asian and has a whole world of expectations and prejudice upon him after this pandemic due to trauma, miseducation, and fear of others. My boys do not have to feel that pain- solely due to the color of their skin. That is privilege. 

My children are white males. This countries own constitution was written by white males---and in its originating state was built for them, not ALL people. It wasn't until others, spoke up of injustice and hate that it was amended for women and persons of color. So, them being born white and male, is a privilege. One that automatically provides them with advantages and rights that others had to fight and are still fighting for throughout this country and world. It is my job to explain this to them and to teach and guide them through the continuous battles of women and POC in every environment.

It is a privilege for them to be male, because I know what it is like to be a female in this world. The difficulties surrounding the female population are ridiculous at times: Your ideas are not always seen as intelligent, but instead emotional. Your body is for other people's enjoyment, not your own. You must look a certain way to be 'beautiful'. If you cry you are weak. You are mothering 'wrong'. You express doubts and fears and you're just another whining female. You show too much boob or leg, you're a whore or asking for it. You have too many layers, you're a prude. It goes on and on and on. Now add to that if you were a POC and a female...again. I see my privilege and I know my sons are privileged, simply for their sex and skin color. I will have to work harder to teach them to respect boundaries, to love all human bodies and embrace differences...because there is a world out there the does not appreciate or respect women or person's of color as much as they do white men.

My children did not choose their parents, they have the privilege to grow up with two cisgender parents of opposing sex with the same ethnicity and no addiction or abuse. That is a privilege. My kids will not be picked on for their parents loving each other or raising them together. As a teacher, I have witnessed (and yes intervened) rude and disrespectful comments from one classmate to another based on the child's parents/lifestyle. I have heard students be made fun of because their parents are "lesbos" or "druggies" or even one of the worst comments "I see why your mom doesn't love you". Kid's DO NOT, just make these behaviors up out of nowhere...these words, actions, and thoughts are learned behaviors.

Somewhere, whether through their families, community, tv shows, or media...these kids have learned to hate, judge and ridicule---mostly in part because of fear and predispositions of "normal" or set belief systems that don't accept others. We can do better, but only once we face our own demons, beliefs, and morals and choose better. You can't tell a kid that the color of someone's skin doesn't matter...than turn around and say racial comments about people in front of them. Lead and Live by example...You can't tell your child that all ____ are the same and they all are ____. Generalizing a society based on a few is toxic and the origin of hate, distrust, and prejudice.

My boys are being raised in a house and home. They have kind neighbors. They have woods and fun things to play with, not gunshots, graffiti, and gangs. They did not choose this, it is the privilege that we have bestowed upon them. Did/do we work hard as parents to give them such things, yes, does that make it any less of a privilege, no. Was my father working his tail off when I grew up to provide me with basically anything I wanted or needed, yes. Was it my right? No. It was a privilege. It was an advantage that I was given by those who raised me.

I did not understand nor appreciate it then, as I do now. As I look back on some of my friends and the struggles they were going through, many of my friends had horrible home lives, abuse, neglect, drug addiction, fear of being 'home', and so much hate on a daily basis. I see that now, as they open up and communicate more as adults. My friends did not have a choice of their upbringing. I did not have a choice, I was provided for and protected from a very harsh world. I witnessed injustices and I saw them first hand in school, but I know I did not stand up for or fight for those who needed me, and it is my job to teach my children of the errors and fears that held me back. So that THEY can do better than I did. So that they can love, protects, and stand up for ALL people, as I know I was not able to then. 

My children are being provided an education because their parents value it and their country requires. This is a privilege that many people around the world do not have. They live and go to school in a predominantly white community, that unfortunately is ignorant and unkind to POC at times, due to their own learned behaviors from various sources and their own family prejudices. So, do I agree with everything that is taught to them or how things are taught in our schools, no. Heck, as a teacher, I have a lot of issues surrounding the systems that we endure. However, we have made it a 'right' to these kids in our country to have an education. Now...stop for a minute and let's compare school systems/schools. Our small rural school system has it's own issues and concerns but they are nothing compared to the inner city schools in say Detroit or the Bronx. These kids are dealt a deck of cards that many of us have never had to pick up or witness. Our school systems, people, and communities are broken and hurting, because they continue to feel less than and unworthy in a world that idolizes some, generalizes all, and ignores the few.  

My boys will never have to feel hunger or pains of neglect from their parents. That is a Privilege. We feed our kids first in this family, then elders, then ourselves...it is our main goal to take care of those who need it most. NOT ALL children or adults were raised with that perspective, AND IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT. There are kids and people ALL around this world who do not eat food or drink clean water, solely because of the area that they were born...is that their fault? No. Could I stay behind my privilege and say, well it's not here, so I don't need to worry about it, yes. 

But if this Pandemic has taught me anything, it is here, it is all around us. It could be your friend, your neighbor, your church friends. I have students who do not eat daily. Students who's parents would rather sell and buy drugs than put food on the table or even make sure their kids have clean clothes. We do have resources and community out reaches set in place to help these kids, but the fact alone that they have to endure this pain and struggle is something that will create shame and insecurity within them, and that is not their fault. This is in small town USA, just imagine rural Africa.

So, do I condone stealing, looting, and rioting...hell no. Do I understand that these people young or old resorting to such decrees may have some strong feelings going on and have NEVER been taught or even witnessed anything more than hate and violence in their lives, yes. Do I fear and have anger that they are doing these things and causing more harm, absolutely.  Do a fear for my police friends of all ethnicities and hope and wish that they don't get sent into theses zones, yes. My heart aches for the kids and families of loved ones sending their spouses to work and not knowing if they will be coming home...but this fear is also, the same fear that my poc friends have expressed about just running through their neighborhoods, getting pulled over, and sending their kids to school. 

Do I wish for a world that everyone was fed, loved, hugged, and taught how to deal with difficult emotions and wrong doing, yes...is that our reality? No. Can we learn, grow and begin to educate more on social emotional feelings, yes...so why aren't we? Because we are stuck in arguments of generalization of who's lives are more important than others. 

We stand behind our own shame triggers, because it's easier for us to share an image of "wrong doing" and compare it to a picture of MLK Jr. , than it is for us to do the hard work and try to empathize with a community that is broken and to actually DO something about it. We project our own fears and insecurities through memes and low blows instead of reaching out and connecting. We name call and revert to cruel comments, instead of being open to listening and trying to relate to the feelings. We devalue the feelings of others by shutting them down when they are vulnerable, because we have such a drive to be "right". Well hell guys, NONE OF THIS IS RIGHT. We stop listening and start thinking of a rebuttal, because we feel shame for the privileges that were given to us, without ANY earning of them. My lack of hunger is a privilege. My kids lack of hunger is a privilege.

"Looking for the Helpers"

When will we take Mr. Roger's advice and "look for the helpers" instead of focusing solely on the violent expressions of pain that the few are showing. Because, in this time of instantaneous spreading of information, hiding behind a computer, lack of researching, and quickness to generalize...we are doing nothing but continuing and exploiting the cycle. Because the rioters are getting more screen time than the helpers. The helpers and peaceful protesters are being bombed with gas and treated inhumanely. The police are being generalized as a whole for the actions of some. Spouses of first responders are fearing for their loved one's lives and out of fear, they can not see the pain of others.  POC are continuing to be treated differently that white people, and we are too stuck in our own worlds of privilege and lack of will to reach out and understand and empathize, that our people are breaking. Our other humans are breaking...and we continue to separate. We continue to argue and fight rather than understand, attempt to relate, connect, and empathize. 

We need to do better as a human race. So I challenge us all:

• Stop ignoring that we have privileges that others do not.
• Stop generalizing an entire community of people based on the actions of some. 
• Embrace the real and difficult emotions and connect. 
• Talk to people with differing beliefs and accept them as different, not wrong.
• Walk beside those who need you. 
• Care for those who can't care for themselves. 
• Speak up when you witness wrong doings and injustice. Apologize when you are not brave enough. 
• Seek to find truth and connection when emotions of pain, anger, and fear start to take over. 
• Accept that we live in a flawed and imperfect world, but DO NOT accept that any life is more important than another. 
• Share the good. 
• Be a helper. 
• Embrace differences and the beauty of diversity. (no one wants to use a box of white crayons)
• Be Vulnerable and Honest about your emotions---especially when it's scary.
• Reach out and make someone else feel good. 
• Love your POC and your Police friends without shame. 
• Educate our children on the wrongs in this world, on their own privileges, and on dealing with hard emotions. 
• Learn about other people's belief's and communities.
• Educate yourself on the issues and difficulties in the communities around you. 
• DO SOMETHING GOOD. BIG or small, the world need to see more good being done. 
• Look within yourself often, and DO THE SELF WORK. 

and above all things...

Love ALL life unconditionally.
Love your friends, family, enemies, strangers and this Earth.