The newest Journeys of Life

March 21, 2018 (11:23PM)

So many things have happened since my last reflection. My entire world has changed, my ways of seeing myself and others around me has improved, I have watched my boys grow into little humans, and I have grown even more deeply in love with my husband and myself.

All of these changes have been because of 'teaching'....and I don't just mean in the classroom sense. I mean, I have been taught by some very specific people and I have been teaching myself. You see, this all started when I went to a 'dumb cleaning party' in September of 2016. I ended up getting this cloth that transformed my life...now it really hasn't been just the cloth that changed my life, it was what came with that cloth. Time. Time came with it, time for me to spend with my family, time for me to find myself, time for me to discover people, and time for me to embrace all of the teachings around me. ---okay so back to the teachings over the past (almost) 2 years.

I was taught how to make life easier by cleaning with just water and microfiber. I was taught to STOP trusting and believing everything on labels and start to research and really educate myself on what was in all of the things we are using in, around, and on our bodies....and trust me, this lesson was the hardest one to accept...because by accepting all of what I was finding, I started to find myself pissed. Pissed that we have systems in place to allow certain ingredients in product in the US that are banned in nearly every other country. Pissed that I felt duped by the world I had been living. 

I became a learner and a researcher again. which was the biggest opening in my world. It opened me to learn more than just these body burdens, but also to learn from my leaders (now friends) about myself. This little dumb magical unicorn hair cloth led me to a path of self love and discovery I had not even realized I was in need of until it began.

Fledgling

July 26, 2017 

So last night we found a little fledgling on the deck chair. I instantly looked for what we should do, leave it...put it in a box...well after my research, because it was a fledgling and not a nestling (there is a difference) we were supposed to just let it be. Being a mama of 2 birds myself, this was hard...I was supposed to just let it be in the dark night all alone and let it be?! Well against my own thoughts I listened to the research and I just let it be. When we got up in the morning, I went first to look for the bird in the chair, not there...then looked on the ground off the very high deck, not there...then I found it! It was up under the other chair on the deck and still alive! It survived the night and managed to move all on it's own. Well I decided again to leave it alone, This time keeping an eye on it. Well I got busy with the boys and when I got back, it was gone...it made it to the ground. Where in my opinion is even harder for it to survive (like 47% of fledglings die in the first 2-3 days). As I was outside taking a picture, I hear a lot of chirps, squawks, whistles. I figure it must be the mom/dad watching out for this little guy. So maybe he's not alone after all, maybe they are keeping a close eye, but letting him learn on his own. This got me thinking about parenting of course and how everyone does it their own way. Then I began to reflect on our parenting style...

I'd like to think we are good parents (I know it should probably say parenting well)...but that's not what I mean, I mean good. I want our kids to DO GOOD in this world. I want them to change the world, make a difference in someone else's life, clean up a roadside, Pay it Forward with generosity...That's why I say good parents. I want to do good for our kids so they will live well and do good for others.

I also think that we have become more like the fledglings parents, watching closely...but not hovering on top of (like we were as new parents) We have learned it is important for them to make their own mistakes, it is important for them to bump their head on the table a couple of time because it is all part of learning. If we protect them from every danger in the world, they will grow up thinking that life is easy and should not be painful...but to be honest life is quite painful at times and they need to experience that. They need to feel all of the emotions and empathize not just sympathize with others.
NOTE TO MY BOYS: 
       I hope that you become men who are willing to go above and beyond the call of duty. I hope that we teach you to have empathy for others not just sympathy. This means, put yourself in their shoes...and think. Take time to truly listen to people...you don't need to share your opinion or your experiences every time someone speaks...it's not about you. Sometimes all someone needs is for you to listen, you may not know what to say/do but just listening, being unbiased, not giving your 2c is just what they need. Don't offer an opinion up unless it is requested by them, them by all means share yours but you better do it without judgement...because we are not here to judge any other human being. I love you guys and so does your daddy...more than words can say. 

Back to the fledgling and my 2 fledglings....I will continue to watch out for you and care for you and help you grow into birds who will eventually leave the nest. This mama hopes it will be a very long time (even though I know it will go quickly). One of my little fledglings, just figured out how to get himself out from under the table (while I let him fuss)...then he decided to crawl back under where he keeps bumping his head...#boys The ladies are leaking, guess I get to go feed my littlest nestling (he's not figured out walking so he's a nestling)..

Our little fledgling...Rexton named him "Bird" (original right)

Coincidences

July 24, 2017

Coincidences, Fate, God-winks...whatever you want to call them...happen all the time. 

Weird coincidences happen...I have a baby and need a teaching job all in the same year, the school has a daycare IN IT (cheaper than other places)! Someone sneaks a better offer in on a house and get it, we end up finding a better house around the corner.

Tim needed a job where he was appreciated more, a family friend told us they needed someone to work in the shop. 

Everett gets RSV at 6 weeks, he doesn't get sick his first months in daycare. I have no more sick days to use, I stay healthy and so do the boys. 

I say I want to go to Target, we find a gift card. Tim gets a seat belt ticket and the next week gets in a wreck and totaled his car (but had his seat belt on). I go to see the play Beauty and the Beast and it comes on TV the next day and we watch it with Rex and dance as a family to 'Beauty and the Beast'. I think (don't even say) I want to get rid of some hangers...then a friend on Facebook posts that she is needing some for a refugee family.

Seriously, usually these things get over looked, but have you ever just sat and thought about them? Thought about how life just seems to always do what needs to be done. I am a believer that all things in our life happen for a reason. The good things, the bad things, and all things in between happen for a purpose. We sometimes forget...or maybe we don't believe it yet, that life has a plan for us. I used to have a hard time with the bad things in life that happened and asked "Why us" Why do we keep having to work so hard at life... but now we LIVE through the bad. We have learned to embrace it, figure out why we are being tested, then LIVE (not survive-there is a difference) through it. I have Tim's annoying optimism to thank for this finally taking effect. 

I also am not perfect so I still have freak outs and he talks me off a ledge, but overall I have began to live through these 'bad' things and remind myself that it must be happening for a reason. 

We must remember that our life is special, our kids are special, our impact on the world is special, and we should appreciate everyday we get to spend on this Earth because, there are many people who have an exponentially more difficult life than us. Appreciate what you have, help those who don't have it, and GIVE what you can to Positively Impact those around you. (That's what I have learned in my 27 years of life on  this Earth)

I have always told my students that their lives are more than they see it as. They think in such closed lines that they aren't able to look outside of themselves yet and see the impact they make on the world and others in it. I only was able to learn this myself in my late 20s, so my expectations for them to actually listen to me is low (they are selfish brained middle schoolers) but I hope that some of them have listened. I hope that they are able to eventually remember what I said whether it me now or in 10 years and say you know Mrs. Mueller was right. I have always been honest with my students and I believe that treating them this way has given them the understanding that I am a human being too, meaning they appreciate me more, they respect me more, and they do not 'act out' as much in my room. I tell them if I have gone with 0 sleep and am grouchy so watch how they act...and they respect me enough to be on their best behavior. At least that was with my first batch of kids (who I had for 2 years in a row) and now I get a new bunch this year who I hope will be as great as the others....anyways I got off topic. Tim says I do that too much, but whatever I have thousands of thoughts going through my head at a time, do you really expect me to stay on topic!?

In summary, appreciate ALL things that happen in your life. Appreciate the good, the bad, and everything in between. Don't expect happiness to happen automatically, it is a choice you have to make in accepting that the things in your life all happen for a reason, you just have to wait and see what the reason is.
Time to go play with the boys...1 thinks he is big, the other wants to be a baby...

       Rex 2.5 in pack and play















                            E. 7mo in big boy room with toys
                            he crawled there from the living room

Things I've said...

July 21, 2017

I have been a mother now for 2 years and 7 months...That alone freaks me out.(Well I guess I was a mother before that while my little alien Rexton was still in the womb...but I mean since birth because stuff gets real after that). Anyways, I have made many mistakes these 2yr 7mo but I think keeping them alive and keeping my sanity at the same time is a great success. 

I was thinking today about all of the things that have come out of my mouth since becoming a mother, some I am not proud of, some I have laughed after they come out, and some should be said. So, I decided to list some for the record.  

1) "I love you"
 --This comes out of my mouth the most, sometimes in purely happy moments, sometimes after I have been mean because I was frustrated, sometimes when they cry and I can't figure out why, sometimes when no other words seem to make sense, these words are powerful. These words make me feel good. These words are my reminder that I need to be grateful for every minute good/bad that I get to spend with my boys. 

2) "Get off of that/get down"
---#boymom enough said. 

3) "What is in your mouth?!"
---Not only do I have a crawler who has hawk-eye vision and can see a speck on the floor of god knows what, but I have a 2yo who picks candy up off a dirty freaking restaurant and puts it in his mouth and says 'treats'...yes that happened. 

4) "Leave your brother alone." 
---Usually directed to Rexton...because he is trying to play with his bubba. However, E has begun following Rex around and grabbing him..

5) "Stop touching your Penis at the dinner table."
----Yep those words happened, we are potty training and freaking killing it...Gone the whole month without a diaper getting wet at night, started wearing big boy boxers (not pull ups legit boxers) but in the beginning he was naked, always naked...and it worked...but he liked to play with 'it' at the dinner table.  

6) "Just Eat!" 
---Both kids have gotten this one. E is a distracted breast-feeder, every little thing distracts him while eating, its frustrating. Then Rex is just a picky eater...it's annoying, but again he has started to eat more foods---it has made a huge difference that we make sure to have dinner at the table as a family (unlike we were when he was younger). 

7) "Leave the dogs alone!" 
---This one usually gets yelled and at least 3 times a day. Nothing I do keeps Rex away from the dogs. Poor snuggles is always running away from him or giving into him and just taking his hair pulling/squishing. This one is almost always followed by number 2...like just now. E has started following in brother's foot steps

8) " I hate you" :(
---This one I am not proud of, but I feel is important that I be honest with myself enough to say I've said it...and I'm sure I'm not the only one. This one broke me the few times I have said it and I instantly felt like the worst person on the planet. These babies are so precious and the time I get with them is so limited and I should be grateful...but honestly I'm human and I have flaws. When these words came out of my mouth I was exhausted, frustrated, annoyed, angry, depressed and selfish. I missed the days I actually felt like a human and got the sleep I needed. I missed the days of showers uninterrupted, and I missed the days that my every action was not directly proportionate to the life of another human. However, I do have to say since I said them and it was only a few times late night, I have learned how to deal with life's testing moments. When this did get said however I instantly followed with the  next phrase...and number 1. (Anyone that knows me knows that I could never hate my children.)

9) "I'm Sorry" 
----I have said this at every instant when I have been a not so perfect mommy. I have said this when I yelled, when I cried out of frustration, when I am wrong, when I have spanked (because imo running into the street is warrant a spanking--well at least that's instinctively what my body did...some things should be associated with ouchies and again imo that is one). I apologize to my children for not being enough, I apologize when I don't understand what they are trying to say, I apologize to my husband when I undermine him, or don't show him enough affection (He never complains, and is always supportive and understands that I'm just in mommy mode...How did I get so lucky?)I apologize a lot because I think my kids need to see that it is okay to make mistakes if we take responsibility for them and change our behavior. They need to know it is OKAY to not be perfect (even though I set what some say too high of expectations for them)and to fail is how we learn and grow. I apologize not just because I should but to teach them.---This one is also always followed by number 1. 

10) "You are so smart." 
---My kids rock this thing called life. They figure out stuff quicker than I am ready for usually. Rexton frequently gets things away from the baby that he know he shouldn't have (he's only 2.5)...while at the same time playing a little too rough (haha), I love the look in their eyes when they accomplish a task (even if the task is something like climbing behind the chair to get a toy) They are learning, and seeing them grow each day is mind-blowing. I have also learned so much from them, I have learned that they mimic our behaviors and our movements to a key. E smiles all of the time--and I think it's because we smile a lot in this house, we laugh a lot...and we are happy, that is good. Rex repeats words and actions (some we did not purposely teach)...But his ability to use the words he learns in the proper manner makes me at least proud that he is smart enough to do so. I also value intelligence and want them to do the same, so it is important for me to tell them they are smart.

Well that is just 10 of the 100s of things I have said to my kids. Life is ever changing in this chaotic scary world---we are just doing what we can to build good human beings, we are just doing what we can to make them safe in a world that is not always, we are not just surviving in this world, we LIVE in this world. Our little family Lives and Loves each day we spend together and I cannot express into words how happy it makes me to have these 3 men (and 2 dogs) in my life to challenge me, support me, and guide me. Tim, Rexton, and Everett...Thank you for keeping mommy sane (most of the time) . 

"Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. Don't wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it's at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored".- Earl Nightingale

It's been 4 months

April 23, 2016

So, there are a few things that have been on my mind lately, but I haven't found the time to sit down and just write about them until today. I made a choice to do some word therapy instead of cleaning the house for a little while. So no more stalling...

1. Choices. That is what life is all about, we make choices everyday and we have to live with them. Sometimes we make god choices and sometimes we don't. Now that I have become a parent I have realized that the choices I make are completely different from the choices I made just over a year ago before I was expecting. Before becoming a parent I was worried about taking an extra shift at work, going out to get a drink with a friend, or staying home and working on school work. The choices were all about me and I honestly didn't really think about them too much, I just did whatever and that was that. Looking back now, I wish I would have made the choices to work the extra shifts more and the choice to save the money...but I didn't. Live and Learn I guess. Anyways, the choices that I have found myself making now that I am a parent are more on the side of should I do the dishes or try to go to bed at 7pm because that's when my son sleeps the longest and I'm exhausted. Usually the choice is to do the dishes because I hate a dirty sink. While these daily choices are not as extravagant as they used to be, they effect more people. The biggest choice that I have made is to spend time with my son instead of going to work full time after he was born, I know that this choice is one that is quite controversial to many, but this one choice has been the best one I think my other half and I have ever made. It wasn't just my decision, I was not sure at first and Tim made me feel like we could make it work. He always has a way of making me feel like we are going to be okay, that's why he is so wonderful.
 Yes I sometimes feel like a cow-literally. I have days I feel big and fat, even though I weigh less now than when I got pregnant. I have days that I feel like I'm just a milk factory...Especially around 3 months when he had this growth spurt and was eating like every hour! I had no idea where he was putting it...then the explosive diaper bomb came and I figured out where it went...yea not the most fun in the world. Another cow trait I feel like some days is dirty...I feel like I have been wallowing in poo and dirt all day, even if I have just taken a shower?! Well no one tells you that your choices become more difficult to make because you are not able to leave a 1-2 month old by themselves long enough to take care of yourself (well you are, but you don't think you are). At least for me, I was not comfortable with doing things for myself at first because I was scared to chose me over him, it's only taken 4 months for me to realize that the better I am able to take care of myself, the happier I am and more capable I am to take care of him.

January 4, 2025

Hmm...looks like I didn't finish this though, seems like a trend of getting distracted. I put a 1 at the top, so I know thre must be more things, but I guess we will never know.  

My ABCs after 4 months with my little lizard

April 19, 2015

Here are some ABCs that I wanted to list to try to remind myself of some things, maybe they will help someone else too:

A) ASK FOR HELP! There is no shame.

B) BREASTFEED YOUR BABY. (If you can, If you can't just feed em) It is good for you and your baby. Do it as long as you can and don't give up, I had to use this stupid nipple shield for the first month and it was the most frustrating, exhausting thing in the world...but in the end it was worth it. Even when he would knock it off and I had to start all over with the feed in the middle of the night, it will get better. The love and excitement you get from a physiological response in your body is just shocking. Heck the first time he latched on without the shield my life was better. **UPDATE: Breastfeeding is hard and it is okay and you are a wonderful mama without doing it...but this mama was so excited when we won the battle to be able to feed correctly**

 C) Confidence is my new best friend. You are not a failure because you didn't know why he was crying or because you can't get them to latch on at first, or because someone told you that you are doing something wrong....be confident through it all. Try at least.

 D) Decide what is a priority. Do you do the dishes or the laundry in the 20min break you might have.

E) Enough is Enough. When you have had enough of everyone throwing how you should be doing something at you, just say enough is enough. You don't have to be rude about it, but you can politely just say okay with a smile and go on...but when someone tries pushing things on you that you are not comfortable with, tell them flat out enough is enough. This is my child and every mother knows what's best for their child. It's biological. We are all different and every baby is different.

F) Firsts are Fun. Fun is about to have an entire new meaning to you. You'll understand this one when your little baby finds a new sound they can make or scares himself when he toots, or when he finds his feet for the first time. Firsts become the most fun things you have ever experienced.

G) Growing. This happens so fast that you will want to cry. It literally flies by...if you thought time was going by fast before your baby, you have no idea how fast it goes once you see him double his birth weight in just 4 months.

 H) Hold your baby as much as you can but put them down when your at your breaking point (yes even if they are crying/screaming) If you are going to break put them down...go outside...scream/count to 10/take a deep breath, you can do it.

 I) Invest in your child's future. Start a bank account for him/her before they are even born. Start putting in any extra money. This is something I said I would make sure to do for my child so that they would not have to stress about paying for an education (hopefully) in the future. Make sure it is one that you can't take money out of. This is not your money. It is theirs.

 J) Join your friend or family when they ask you to do something. It's important for you to feel normal.

 K) Knight in shining armor. Yes, Tim is mine and everyone need one. whether it is your mom, dad, brother, sister, spouse, aunt, uncle, friend etc. Everyone will have that moment where they are glad that person stepped in and helped you.

 L) LOVE, LOVE, LOVE....Love is all you need. Really it is, as long as your baby knows and feels the love, they will not remember the bad things. They wont remember how broke you were, how many nights you broke down, how dirty the house was. Don't just love your baby, love your spouse as well...because the love you feel for that baby can be so tremendous you can forget just how in love you are with them at moments.

 M) Money is going to be tight, for the rest of your life. You now don't worry about if you have enough money to catch a movie, you worry if you have enough money to go grocery shopping. But hey guess what...like Tim says "It will all work out" Everything will feel like it is impossible, but you'll get through it. Managing your spending is going to become your life.

 N) NO ONE knows better than you. You are the parent and your instincts are primal...go with them.

 O) Open your mind. Take in some of the advice, research, read, educate yourself. Then make your own decisions on what you think is best for you and your family.

 P) Pump and give them a bottle or have someone else give them a bottle (you'll appreciate it once you start working again)

Q) Quiet time. Take a few minutes out of the day and turn off everything. Just be there with your child in the quiet. it will do wonders.

R) READ and TALK constantly to your baby. If you are at home and baking a cake, strap them into their carrier and let them watch you...this is how they learn, by watching, listening, smelling, touching, tasting the things around them...At some point everything will go into their mouth. If you do everything for your baby without making them learn to ask or communicate properly, then they will struggle a bit later on.

S) Stay Strong and Smile though it. Your smile will teach your baby to smile and in the middle of the night when your baby wont burp and you are exhausted...then he turns his little head towards you, looks at you, and smiles...that will be your reminder that you can get through it. It will make you melt but it will also make you say "really you little booger, you are being a butt and you are smiling about it".

T) Trust in your baby. You don't need to do everything for them...let them learn to sooth themselves. I'm not a believer in the cry it out method because crying is the only way infants know to communicate., but I also know the difference between an actual cry and a whimper...you will learn it to, don't give into the whimpers...they will find their feet and be okay :)

U) Unplug. In today's world we are so dependent on our devices that unplugging just seems like the impossible. We recently went on a trip to Duggar IN...Yea it's itty-bitty and has no cell service. Well this trip was absolutely amazing. It was filled with love, cuddles with Tim and Rexton, and we didn't watch TV but maybe once the entire time we were there...and left our phones on airplane mode...it was a peacefulness that you wouldn't expect.

V) VILLAGE! It takes a village. That is something that I believe in whole-heartedly. Tim and I have a huge support system around us. This boy has family, extended family, work-family, friend-family, and we know that if we need anything or if we are struggling, we can depend on these amazing people in our lives to be there for us and our little man. Take the help. Let the Village help you...you'll be weary at first but eventually you wont feel like you are a burden to them. That was my biggest issue, I didn't want to be a burden to anyone with the needy baby...but eventually you will learn to accept the village. Accept the help from the waitress at the Mexican restaurant who holds your baby so you can eat, or the couple at the restaurant who chase you down to give you the baby sock that fell on the ground. There are many people in the same boat as you or that have been in your boat and they know how it is, just accept the help.

W) Wrong. You will be wrong sometimes, but that's how we learn. If you are always right, then you will not be humble. Admit when you are wrong, and apologize if necessary.

X) Xs and Os. Kiss and Hug that baby and your spouse every minute that you can. Also anytime you are leaving...because the world is a dangerous place and we never know when the last hug or kiss will be.

Y) Youth. You're going to feel like an old fart for a little bit because your friends might be going out drinking and your idea of fun is staying at home with a bottle of wine playing cards...but guess what your true friends will be the ones who join in on the cards and wine instead of saying your lame for not going out. Don't get me wrong, I think going out is great, and if you have the money then go for it, but we usually don't have the money...and the hassle of getting the baby all packed up and taken to someone else's house to be babysat is annoying. Remember that you are still young and do things to keep yourself feeling so, exercise is a good way to keep you feeling younger.

Z) Zen. Find your Zen. Whether it is a bath, watching a football/basketball game, running, yoga, whatever...find what helps you and do it everyday.

The Truth About Time.

March 1, 2015

So, it hit me really hard today that time is going by so fast that I can't keep up. I said I'd update and explain how my pregnancy went, but MY LITTLE MAN IS OVER 10 WEEKS!? Where did the time go?
  

We have enjoyed every day that we have spent with him...but I want more. I want to have the time back to take those cute little pictures with the onesies that say their age, I want the pregnancy pics every month to see the growth and magic of growing this precious bot, I want the beautiful black and white post delivery pics, I want all of the little things that I see other women have done.      

Why didn't we take the time to do these things? We were working on our degrees while I was pregnant, we were trying to get through the days after he was born but were too exhausted, and now Tim is working and going to school and I am trying to work a couple shifts so we have the money  we need to get by. This is our reality, I want to do so many things so that I can remember every little moment, but it's out of fear. I fear that the day will come many many years from now that I might not be able to remember my firstborn. I may not remember the little wrinkles he gets around his mouth after breastfeeding, I may not remember the way he looks while Tim and I are laying on either side of him, I may not remember the coy smiles he does in his sleep, or the look in his eyes as he follows my movements around the room. So, I take pictures of every cute little thing when I can.

But these pictures aren't enough for me, I want more. I want more days, more energy, more time, more snuggles, more baths, more smiles...but the reality is, we don't get more. We have to just hold onto the time that we are given and that to me is why everyday is so Important. Yea we may not have gotten to do the cute little things other parents have...but these things aren't really what's important.

It doesn't matter what we as parents remember, and I see that now...what matters is what he remembers. If we can give him a memorable life that he knows is safe and always felt loved in, then that is what truly matters. So far I think we are giving him that. This little man is so loved and that can never be undone, never be taken away, never be forgotten. I will always love him and his daddy.

I will always love his daddy because his daddy has given me so much. His daddy has sacrificed not getting to see him so that I can stay home with him and build an database of memories. He has sacrificed hours of sleep even though he has to get up and go to work/school, just to take him from me for a few minutes so I can gather my sanity and make my coffee. He's given me a life that though is not perfect to the outside eye, is perfect in ours. The only thing that could make this life better would be some magical money bank, so that Tim can enjoy the time with our little man.